Why were these Headlines?!?

In an election year when we are at war and there is global political and financial unrest, you’d think that we’d be faced with heavy, serious headlines just about every day. I confess that I’m more than a little baffled by some headlines that I saw this week.

If it had been a slow news week I could almost understand how some of these headline might have seen the light of day; but why did anyone think, “Beer flows as Germany kicks off Oktoberfest” should be a national headline?

It’s still September…right?

“Man in critical condition after jumping into Bronx Zoo tiger den”, might have been an appropriate local headline and might even have been good filler on a slow news week, but this wasn’t a slow news week.

When I read that the guy intentionally jumped from an elevated Monorail and over two electric fences before being mauled by a 400-pound tiger, it went from being a questionable headline to being the saddest and most pathetic attempt to get your ex-girlfriend’s attention ever. Dude; let her go!

They say a good headline should grab the reader’s attention and this one grabbed mine, “Amish guilty of hate crimes in Ohio hair cutting attacks.” Where do I start?

I admit that I’ve seen some photos of Amish guys with some pretty unfortunate haircuts but it seems extreme to call that a hate crime.  The story and it was about an “Amish extremist group” (words I never thought I write) who pulled their parents out of bed then cut their hair and shaved their beards against their will because, from all accounts, the parents weren’t Amish enough for them.

I don’t know, the Mayans just might have been right; when the Amish are practicing hate crimes and hair terrorism, the end of the world can’t be far off.

A headline from the BBC about an artillery unit in Afghanistan should have been relevant this week, except it read, “UK soldier unexpectedly gives birth in Afghanistan.” For the record, Prince Harry is not involved…yet.

The soldier reportedly went to sick call complaining of a bit of stomach pain and subsequently gave birth to a healthy baby a couple of hours later! Really; a bit of stomach pain?  She claims to have had no idea that she was “with child” and, while many people doubt her claim, I believe her. I didn’t know she was pregnant, did you?

These are actual headlines I read this week and I swear I didn’t make up any of these:

-       “Adventurous koala swims toward surprised canoers and hitches a ride.” I couldn’t make that up, but I think somebody made up the word “canoer.”

-       “Secret Service did not compromise security during Columbia prostitute probe”  Ummm, yuck.

-       “Heroic pig saves baby goat from drowning at petting zoo.” The general election is just weeks away and embassies are blowing up, but you’ve got to admit, that’s one heroic swine!

-       “The top Twitter Hashtags of the last 12 months.” What the heck is a Hashtag and why do I care?

-       “Seagull purportedly steals woman’s camera, takes amazing footage!” I’ve heard that it’s among the best seagull photography since Jonathan Livingston Seagull hung up his camera back in the Seventies.

-       “What does dog beer taste like?” Because my dog doesn’t always drink beer but when he does he want’s something unexpected…I don’t know what is more unbelievable; that somebody makes dog beer or that I ripped off a great beer commercial to make a joke out of it.

-       “ iPhone-5 a 6 processor found dual core CPU.” I swear I did not make that up…why would I make that up? I don’t have any idea what that means or why anyone would want to know it or why it warrants a headline.

-       “Amanda Bynes charged with driving on suspended license.” I’m speechless. Who would have ever thought that we’d see a headline about Amanda Bynes driving on a suspended license? Seriously, I never suspected that we’d see that headline because I have no idea who Amanda Bynes is and I confess I am totally ignorant of her driving record.

-       “Yorks Suffolk County looks into sewer.” I wonder what they saw?

I find it stunning that with so much important stuff like a hotly contested Presidential election, violence and crime running rampant, economies failing and the college football season getting into conference play, that major news services have been running these kinds of headlines.

My lovely bride and her associates from the “grassy knoll” suggest that we are being distracted from reality so “they” can continue to control the world and get richer.

Who knows they may be right, I don’t know, but you’ve got to admit that was one heroic pig!