Too stupid to burn out but just dumb enough to fade away

As that giant clock in the sky ticks us down toward the impending doom that the Mayans predicted, I’m becoming increasing convinced that the end of the world we’ve all heard so much about is just the next logical step in human evolution.

I think that we, as a species, are becoming so darned trivial and stupid that we have become a target for elimination by natural selection. I’m sure the History Channel will run a special pretty soon speculating that stupidity will be the cause of the coming apocalypse.

I’m guessing they’ll run it just after their Thanksgiving special suggesting that Justin Bieber is the Anti-Christ and just before the two-hour “Dooms Day Spectacular” planned for early December. That’s where ballroom dancing zombies will compete against the vocal styling’s of ancient alien theorists rapping about the mother-ships coming to round us all up. 

Afterward, America will call or text to vote on the method of our ultimate 2012 destruction (standard texting charges may apply).

I don’t have any inside scoop that the world is going to end in December or how it’s going to happen if it does, but the evidence that we’re rapidly becoming too stupid to boil water without a microwave or to even make fire without a flamethrower is becoming overwhelming.

Let’s examine the evidence and you decide for yourself.

Exhibit A: Last week a guy died in Florida after eating a large quantity of roaches and worms. Before you feel to sorry for this guy it should be noted that be wasn’t eating bugs and worms because Obama-Care failed him or because he was one of Mitt Romney’s 47%; nope, this guy dropped dead shortly after winning a roach and worm eating contest!

Yup, he lined up with a bunch of other prime human breeding stock and proved he was the alpha male by shoveling in more roaches than anyone else. Then he collapsed and died shortly thereafter in a local hospital.

The results of the autopsy were still pending when I wrote this but I already know that the cause of death was either an an overdose of stupidity or the complete lack of higher brain functions.

Exhibit B: There is an is a idiot in New Mexico waiting for optimum weather conditions to ride a helium balloon to the stratosphere and then jump out of it in hope of breaking the sound barrier on the way down…I don’t think I even need to comment on this any further to make my point.

It may have already happened by the time you read this and, if so, I really hope the sound barrier is all he broke. Either way my point is valid.

Exhibit C: Ryan Freakin’ Seacrest makes more money than the Doctor of Radiation Oncology who successfully treated my cancer. Really.

Exhibit D: Just last month the Archives of Sexual Behavior (always on my reading list) published the results of an exhaustive study of hundreds of women from three continents, which determined that it’s a “scientific mystery” why women prefer men with less body hair to men with, let’s say….more body hair. It’s a mystery.

I’ve got two words for you; back hair. Mystery solved.

Exhibit E: Scientists recently discovered that a large single celled organism called “Physarum Polycephalum” (which was, oddly enough, I’m pretty sure that was also the name of a pole-vaulter from Micronesia in the 2012 Olympics) shows the capacity for memory.

In repeated lab tests this substance, best described as “puddles of goo”, showed the ability to overcome obstacles and return to where it had been.

The reason this is bad news for mankind is that husbands all over the world have historically had trouble finding our way home and “I don’t remember” has been the standard answer when wives asked why.

If our wives ever figure out that even single celled creatures are capable of memory and can usually find their way home…the ensuing fight may be the end of mankind, as we know it.

So there you have it; as we get closer to the projected end of times it becomes more and more clear that the end won’t happen in the zombie upraising or alien attack most of us have been looking forward to, but rather, we might just become too stupid to call Dominos and, eventually, starve ourselves out.

It’s not glamorous, but it could happen!