I still refer to myself as a middle-aged man; I could almost
hear my kids chuckling as I wrote that. They consider anyone in who was around
to witness the moon landing (alleged moon landing, in their mother’s case) to
be officially old.
I don’t feel like an old guy; from the inside I still feel
pretty much the same I did when I was a young buck. I’m not in denial, every
morning that grey haired guy who lives in my mirror reminds me that I might be
aging a bit, but I’m still as childish as the next guy…just ask my wife.
To be perfectly honest I have noticed some other signs that
I might be getting a little older. It
seems like I’m noticing more and more of those signs all the time.
The other day I felt kind of old when the classic rock
station I was listening to played Axl Rose ripping off a Paul McCartney’s “Live
and let Die” then Bob Dylan’s “Knocking on Heaven’s Door”.
For the youngsters among you my point is that I was old
enough to drive when McCartney and Dylan released the original songs and Axl
Rose was releasing contemporary music when I retired from the Navy. How old does that make me? What’s worse, the
McCartney song was recorded after the Beatles broke up…that really didn’t help.
When someone asks you who your doctor is and you answer with
a list of your family doctor, your back specialist, your oncologist and your
urologist; you’re probably aging a bit. Who am I kidding; if you even have an
oncologist and a back specialist there’s a good chance you watched the
(alleged) moon landing like I did.
When the President of the United States is younger than your
youngest sibling; chances are good that it won’t be long until you’re eating
dinner before the sun goes down.
It’s fair to suspect that you’re getting older when you
can’t look at a centerfold anymore, not so much because you’re morally outraged
but more because the girl on the centerfold is younger than your own daughter.
It’s just kind of creepy.
My vitamins, my shoes and even my mouthwash are recommended
for men over 50. The Sheriff, my Congressman and my new back specialist all
look like nice young men. You have no idea how old that makes me feel to even
write that…but it’s true.
I had a really funny example to give you here but I got
distracted by a commercial and totally forgot what it was; that can’t be a good
sign.
My baby sister served 30 years in the Air Force and retired
as a Chief Master Sergeant last year, my youngest grandkid is in school and has
a permanent tooth and I still have a pair of shoes that I bought during the
Reagan administration. It’s hard to admit but I think that proves conclusively
that…my sister is old.
When you and your wife go to bed and YOU pretend to be
asleep…it might be a sign.
If you’ve actually dialed a phone, bought a root beer float
at a drug store or can write a properly punctuated sentence; the signs are
pretty clear that you’re pushing the boundaries of middle age.
When I was a teenager I thought that if I could get a jet
black new car with a white Playboy bunny painted on it, girls would line up for
the opportunity to take a ride in it and express their appreciation in the back
seat.
I never got my “make-out-mobile” but today I saw a brand new
vehicle, one of those square looking things, painted black with a bunny on each
side and the words “The Bunny Box” on the rear bumper. My immediate thought was
that only a moron, who wanted to ensure that no girl would ever set foot in his
car, would ever drive a POS like that.
My next thought was the very uncomfortable memory that 40
years ago I would have given anything to be just like this idiot; maybe growing
older isn’t all bad.
The fact is that, despite my grey hair and aching back, I’m
still too young to get a senior discount and I still go out to play whenever I
get a chance; but I’m not sure that part will ever change.
In the end I don’t think any of that really matters, I have
a good looking young wife who seems to like me more than ever and I think that
might be a sign of getting older as well and that’s all right with me.
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