Ask El Guapo

Last week I received a good response when I updated an old column format and so, since I have so few original thoughts, I figured why not dust off another old favorite and write another version of the ever popular (with me), “Ask El Guapo” series. I haven’t opened up to questions for a couple of years so this should he fun.

My first question comes from one of my biggest fans who as been a loyal reader of my column for years.

Q: “Are you still writing those silly articles in the paper?”

A: How many times do I have to say this? I write an award winning humor column, not silly articles! Come on, Mom, I’ve told you that over and over!

Q: You’ve mentioned that you’re a big fan of the Three Stooges, do you plan on watching the new Three Stooges movie?

A: Absolutely not! Going to see a remake of a favorite movie is like dating an old flame again; it’s never as good as you remember it, it costs a lot more (I meant the date cost more, get your mind out of the gutter!) and your old memories are ruined because you wonder if it was ever really as good as you remember.

Besides, some things should not be remade because they were done right the first time and shouldn’t be messed with.  Movies like Casablanca, Dirty Harry, Blazing Saddles or Airplane are perfect the way they are and anybody who tries to remake them should be shot.

Arthur should be remembered as a Dudley Moore classic not a weak Russell Brand movie. I could go on but the point is; you can’t go back.

Q: After last week’s column a reader commented that you should run for President, so what do you say; are you a candidate?

A: No way! I am a humor columnist and a defense contractor, both professions where you don’t actually do anything. In both capacities I deliver substandard material after deadline then demand to be paid on time. Wait a minute...maybe I do have the required experience to be President! I’ll give it some thought.

Q: Have you fully recovered from your throat cancer?

A: Yes, thank you for asking. I have been cancer free for over a year now but since the radiation treatment kind of left me with a raspy voice I still manage to milk some time off out of it on occasion.

Q: In your experience what is worse, cancer or war?

A: Marriage.

Q: The British government released it’s secret X files revealing decades of UFO investigations in the UK. What do think those files might reveal.

A: I doubt it will reveal much, I don’t believe the British have ever had much of a grasp on outer space activity. As far as I know their space program has consisted of Elton John basting off as Rocket Man and he ended up burning out his fuse up there alone and when David Bowie sent Major Tom into space, ground control lost contact with him all together! 

No, I don’t expect a lot of answers from the UK with regard to space related investigations. They did, however produce Simon Cowell, they drink warm beer and use the word, “wanker” regularly so it’s entirely possible that there has been some extensive ET interaction going on over there.

Q: Do you think God would approve of us voting for a woman to be President or Vice President?

A: Whoa, whoa there big fella! My mother taught me never to discuss sex, politics or religion in polite company and you’ve hit them all in one question! On the other hand we’ve already established that my mother doesn’t read my “silly articles” anymore so I will tell you that I would vote for any woman the Whig Party nominates unless, of course, she’s a Scientologist. A female Whig Scientologist is just a bit much for me.

Q; Who do think is going to win “So you think you can dance” this year?

A: Seriously? I can’t believe you asked me that! Somebody get that guy’s name! The answer is I don’t freakin’ care!

That’s it, no more questions! I could handle questions about British UFOs and God’s political preferences but TV dancing contests are just a little too weird for me. I have some dignity left!