More People I'd Like to Punch

One of the most popular columns I ever wrote was entitled, “People I’d like to punch n the face.” I got a lot of feedback from that one, mostly suggestions of names to add to the list. Apparently, there are a lot of annoying jerks out there in dire need of a shot to the kisser so I figured it was time to write a follow-up.

I’m not a violent guy by nature and but once in a while we all encounter losers who are so aggressively obnoxious that even a peaceful slacker like me feels compelled to slap the stupid out of them.

For the record, assholes fall into two basic categories; passive assholes and aggressive assholes. Your average asshole doesn’t mean to be a stupid socially unacceptable jerk; he just is a stupid socially unacceptable jerk. On the other hand aggressive assholes are the jerks that actively project their stupid right in your face.

Sadly the world is full of aggressive assholes but I only enough space to list some of the special cases and a few of my personal favorites; jerks so obnoxious that it takes every bit of the self restraint I can muster to keep from committing felonious assault when I see them.

Near the top of the list of people I’d love to punch in the chops is J.G. Wentworth for authorizing the endless stream of those obnoxious commercials with the fat bastard wearing make up and Viking headgear while performing an opera about financial transactions on a bus.

When I first saw it I thought for sure that the other passengers on the bus would rise up and gag him to stop the painful noise coming from his mouth then throw him off the bus. Either of those actions would have been consistent with human behavior and, perhaps, pleased me so much I might have considered seeing J.G. Wentworth should I ever have a structured settlement and need cash now.

Dang it, now I’ve got that stupid song in my head! Quick somebody slap me!

I’m very close to moving to Florida so if I slap the living poop out of Rush Limbaugh I can’t be accused of crossing state lines to commit felonious assault.  It’s not his politics that makes me want to punch this pompous windbag, I stopped listening to his senseless babble years ago; I cannot abide this fat pill popping scumbag’s attitude toward women.

I’m not a feminist or an activist of any type because, as a slacker, I’m far too lazy and my attention span too narrow to seriously support or oppose any political matter. I do, however, have a mother, a wife, an ex-wife, three sisters and two daughters all of whom are smarter that blow-hard who belittles women on a regular basis.

Dr. Phil makes the list because, after watching his show, my lovely bride often feels the need to have long meaningful discussions about our relationship. Like most heterosexual males, I’d rather eat a shit sandwich than have a long meaningful conversation about my marital relationship. I might have to stand on a chair to land a decent right cross on his chin, but I’m willing to give it a shot!

That infamous “clergyman”, whose name I will not repeat so that I do not in any way contribute to his fame or cause, who leads his congregation to protest the funerals of fallen servicemen and women is a flaming asshole sorely in need of a punch in the face.

While the law prohibits me from punching this gutless creep, the Constitution gives me the right to express my disdain for him. Consider that expressed.

Alex Trebek is on the list for acting like a contestant on Jeopardy is a complete moron for not knowing the atomic weight of a salt molecule, for trying to pronounce Spanish words with his own fake Spanish accent and for bragging about being a Canadian. Freakin’ Alex Trebek!

I need to make it perfectly clear that I am not advocating violence in general or, specifically, punching people who annoy you. After all, I’m an annoying little jerk who makes fun of people for a living.

I said these are people who I’d like to punch in the face, but this is not not a “to do” list. We live in a free society where assholes are free to be assholes as long as they don’t commit a crime. The good news is that I am also free to write a column proclaiming my desire to knock the crap out of them!

America, what a country!