A few questions

Last week I answered questions posed by imaginary readers, this week I have a few questions of my own. As a humor columnist and a semi-professional slacker, I have a lot of time on my hands and sometimes my mind wanders across things I just don’t understand.

For example, if the grocery store can sell postage stamps, why can’t I get milk at the post office? They say the post office is going broke so maybe running convenience stores out of the post office would put them in back in the black. If there was a place I could go to mail a package, update my passport and grab a six-pack of beer, I’d probably go there.

Since the medical community has spent the time and money to develop and advertise a cure for the terrors of Restless Leg Syndrome and to turn old guys like me into Casanova-caliber lovers, why are good people still dying of pancreatic cancer? It took my sister a couple of years ago and this week it claimed Sally Ride.

We don’t have enough brilliant people in the world that we can afford to continue losing them to this terrible disease while we waste of medical research on trying to improve my love life. My wife is holding out hope but there’s still available no pill to cure short and ugly, so my love life is a lost cause.

Why do people insist on posting political crap on Facebook? If your voting decision can be influenced by something a guy you used to know in the eighth grade posts on Facebook, please, don’t vote!

Speaking of voting, has anyone ever attended one of those town hall meetings on the phone when Herman Cain robo-calls you? If you do, get a dog because you need somebody to talk to.

When did they stop putting mirrors in houses? When I see a 300 pound woman wearing a belly shirt and skin tight latex shorts out of the house I have to assume that she does not own a mirror because…well damn; a 300 pound woman in a belly shirt and latex shorts!

Guys are no better, I saw a grown man in the store the other day wearing a tank top, lounge pants and flip-flops. The worse part was that he wasn’t a workout buff; this guy hasn’t seen the inside of gym in a long time.

Here’s a hint for you guys that don’t own mirrors, if you have more hair in your ears than on your head, you’re not the babe magnet you once were and should avoid tank tops completely. Another thing, if your pants don’t have a zipper they are pajamas and should not be worn out of the house; ask yourself, would Clint Eastwood wear this?

Can I borrow $20? Seriously, call me.

How is it that every kid who graduates from high school in Nevada has passed the high school proficiency tests in math and English, but over 70% of freshmen applying to Nevada colleges fail to meet the requirements for freshman level math and English classes? Does that make sense to anyone?

Who are these “well qualified buyers” who are getting new cars for $99 a month? Every time I go in to buy a car I end up paying them to take my old car, making a huge down payment, washing and waxing all the cars on their lot and somehow wind up with a monthly payment larger than my first mortgage payment.

I just think that’s excessive for a “79 Pinto, don’t you?

Why is it that every woman I know has received a warning when pulled over by a police officer but I’ve never met a guy who got a warning instead of a ticket? I know the answer, I’m not stupid, but profiling seems wrong when I’m the one getting the ticket.

I’m starting to bore myself so why am I still asking questions?