You Found what, where?

You found what, where?

I’ve done some weird things in my time, no really, I have. I streaked a basketball game when I was in high school wearing noting but argyle socks and a smile; in 1980 I was the New Year’s baby at a drunken party in New Zealand and just last year I let total strangers strap me to a table and zap me with radiation every day for a couple of months.

Live and let live, as they say, and with my record I probably shouldn’t pass judgment on what other people do to and for themselves. I shouldn’t, but you know I’m going to.

I read on a story online about the strange things that hospital emergency rooms are asked to remove from some very surprising places on the human body.

I’m not talking about a toddler swallowing a nickel or sticking a bean up their nose (OK, I did that when I was a teenager but, in my defense, I wasn’t a very mature teenager.) I’m talking about adults swallowing, falling onto or purposely inserting foreign objects into their bodies requiring medical professionals to remove the object or objects.

Yup, I said objects. I guess shoving just one bean up your nose just isn’t enough when you can fit two.

Take, for example, the man who went into the emergency room in San Diego to have four Barbie doll heads removed from the inside of his backside. While I can certainly understand why he would want to have the four Barbie doll heads removed, but I’m stumped trying to figure out why anyone would want four doll heads in his poop-chute.

At first glance at his x-rays the doctors thought it was a totem pole, which is understandable because, after all, a totem pole is essentially a stack of heads. When asked the man angrily denied that he had a totem or any other kind of pole inserted in his backside, because only a sick bastard would have a pole in his pooter.

And why four heads? Maybe the previous record was three or maybe he had some sicko friends daring him to try just one more; we’re talking about a guy who had four doll heads where the sun don’t shine, I don’t want to know. I hope I never understand a guy like that.

Not everyone who shows up at the hospital needing something removed is a pervert. There was an 81 year-old man slipped and fell on a pair of pruning sheers. In a one in a million incident, one blade of the open sheers entered through one of his eyes, passed through his head and was actually pinched an artery in his throat.

Thanks to some quick and above average medical care the man survived with just some minor vision problems. I don’t know this for a fact but I’d be willing to bet that he hires someone to trim his hedges next year.

In the meantime I want to go to Vegas with this guy; with his luck you could clean out a casino faster than Rain Man.

Some folks seeking medical help to remove weird things from their bodies are just weirdoes. One guy had over a pound and a half of metal (mostly nails) removed from his stomach. Some people are so stupid they can’t even get chewing their nails right.

Another moron decided to use a small pair scissors to pick his teeth after a meal. There are so many things that could go wrong with this scenario but the thing that did go wrong was that one of his friends made him laugh and, while laughing, he swallowed the scissors.

You don’t need to be an expert on scissors or human anatomy to figure out that the scissors got stuck somewhere south of his throat but north of his stomach (I’m no expert in anatomy either). All this time I thought it was ridiculous when people warned us not to run with scissors, I’m re-thinking that whole thing now.

Finally there’s the story told by a doctor from Detroit who did a double take after reading on the chart of a new patient that her chief complaint was that she had, “an eye in her vagina.” Intrigued, the doctor asked how an eye came to be in her lady parts.

The lady rolled her good eye (it seems she’d been asked this question a few times already) and explained to the doctor that she anticipated getting into a fight with her neighbor and she took out her fake eye to keep it from getting damaged in the fight.

Since she was wearing a sweatshirt and spandex at the time and had no pockets, she stowed the eye and her driver’s license in her Hooo-Haaa (pronounced who-ha) for protection. How do you argue with that kind of logic?

The eye was undamaged, no word on the driver’s license or the neighbor.

So next time you hear about a kid with a bean up his nose give him a break; he may be a genius!