They say that there are three subjects that should be avoided in polite conversation; sex, politics and religion. If you know me or have read my column before you’re probably aware that I’m not known for doing things because I should and my column has little to do with polite conversation.
Don’t worry; I’m not going to waste your time with another political column. We’re about to enter an election year so we’re all about to be hit with a tsunami of political nonsense so I’ll spare you my two cents worth.
As a middle-aged married guy anything I would have to say about sex would be self-serving boasts at best or pure speculation at worst, so I won’t be writing about sex today either.
If you’re not a regular reader you might be getting nervous, worried that I’m about to fill you in on my religious beliefs. Not to worry, I’m not going to bore you with a story about my religious convictions; instead I’m going to bore you with a story about the night I tried to learn to meditate during our recent trip to Bimini.
It happened after dinner on the second day of our journey to swim with dolphins in the wild with an interesting group of spiritually minded folks.
As we lounged around the living room of our shared beach house discussing all of the really cool tropical sea creatures we had seen that day and the dolphins we had not seen, we were invited to sit in a circle and share something nice about our neighbors.
If I remember right, this is about when Sandra excused her self and returned to our bungalow to get some extra sleep or to play a video game on her iPad; you know, something useful.
I decided to stay because, up to that point, I felt like I hadn’t really fit in very well with the group and I knew I could do this. I was experienced at sitting in circles and sharing with my neighbor, we did that in kindergarten and I remember very well that I got a gold star for sharing!
I didn’t know squat about spiritualism, astrology, vegan living but now we were in my wheelhouse, I’m an expert at sitting and slinging a bit of BS, said with absolute sincerity of course, with my neighbor so I see this as my chance to gel with our companions.
I think it was right after Sandra left that they mentioned that after forming our circle and sharing we’d be invited to share in group meditation. Meditation? I have the attention span of a five-year-old on a sugar buzz; meditation is probably not in my wheelhouse.
As predicted I did well at circle sitting and shared a meaningful (if somewhat exaggerated) moment with my neighbor. I felt comfortable and accepted and so I decided that I’d stay and give the meditation a try. I have a lot of experience sitting motionless without uttering a word for hours at time because my wife likes to talk about our relationship issues during long car trips, so we're back in my wheelhouse again.
Much to my surprise there was an instructional tape featuring a lady with a heavy Indian accent explaining how to meditate, maybe there was more to this than I anticipated.
The voice said that we were to sit straight up comfortably and chant while concentrating on one chakra at a time, working our way from the bottom of our torso (where we all look like Ken dolls) to the top of our head.
If you’re an average American or a licensed medical doctor in the United States, chakras are the seven centers of spiritual energy in the human body reputed to have an effect on our health and well being. Those beliefs are widely held in places like China and India where they have billions of people and very few MRI machines; so what would they know about health and well being?
The nice Indian lady told us to imagine the first chakra warm and illuminated with a golden spot. I admit that I giggled when I though of that spot with a warm yellow spot. Giggling is rarely encouraged during spiritual rituals, but I have seen a warm yellow spot in about half the diapers I’ve changed and when you're sitting quietly bored out of your mind, that’s funny stuff.
When I found out the next chakra was the part that we have but Ken dolls don’t have, there was no chance that I was going to have a Zen experience, but it was an absolute certainty that my giggling was going to turn into an all out belly laugh. I'm pretty sure that suppressing that belly laugh created a warm golden spot at my first chakra.
The remaining chakras weren’t as funny as the first two so I managed to survive the session without embarrassing myself and made a quick exit before anyone noticed my expanded chakra.
When I got back to the bungalow, Sandra was smiling and completely at peace. She had reached a new level on Angry Birds and had found the profound satisfaction that is 21st century Zen.
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