Writing About Things I Know

Mark Twain once said, “Write what you know about.” Mr. Twain is a personal hero of mine so I always trust his judgment but, as a writer this particular piece of advice really limits my palette. To quote Forrest Gump (and you should always quote Forrest Gump) “I am not a smart man” and I don’t know much…but I’ve been around a bit so I’m going to try to write about some things I know. What the hell, it worked for Mark Twain.

For example I know that being the smartest guy in the room during a job interview isn’t always a good thing. It’s a real dilemma if you’re talking to your potential boss and all you can think about is that he said he was “exspecially” interested in your management experience. I know about this because I’ve interviewed a lot of smart guys that I didn’t hire…exspecially the grammar Nazis, I hate grammar Nazis!

If you wake up in a strange place with a vicious hangover, no memory or clothes and find yourself tangled in a pile of large naked Maori women, it’s best to sneak out and never try to remember what happened… you don’t want to know what happened. Please don’t ask me how I know about this.

If you’re a man under 5’8” tall, embrace your shortness. The view isn’t so bad from down here and there are perks. Sure, most women won’t date you and other men make short jokes about you but there’s an up side to being vertically challenged.

When you’re a short guy you always have legroom on a plane even in when you fly coach, you have plenty of spare time in basketball season and it’s easier to convince a woman you respect her when you’re looking up at her. It’s easier to score with the broads when they think you respect them…I know that because  a short guy told me. I’m sticking with that story.

Gravity works. I know this because falling has been a bigger part of my than I care to admit.  I’ve fallen in love, fallen out of favor and these days I fall asleep at the most inopportune moments. Even now, I’m sixty years old and I crash my mountain bike regularly and spectacularly and for too long I fell for it every time the president said, “Trust me.”

I know what a balut tastes like. For the fortunate among you that don’t know what a balut is, it’s something that should never go in your mouth. For some reason people in the Philippines decided that a developed duck embryo was food if you boil it but they were wrong. No amount of boiling could ever make a developed duck embryo taste like food and I know from experience, no amount of beer can make it okay to put a balut in your mouth. To quote Forrest Gump (and you should always quote Forrest Gump…but you knew that), “That’s all I have to say about that.”

Thrill seeking is overrated. I know that sounds like something an old guy would say but, now that I’m an old guy, I’m thinking there might be more to life than traveling around the world seeking thrills. It’s true that there’s great adventure to be had exploring the South Pole, working the deck of a carrier at night and surfing in New Zealand. Then again it’s also true that it’s freakin’ cold in Antarctica, there’s no beer on an aircraft carrier and there are large Maori women in New Zealand…sometimes the price of thrill seeking is pretty high.

I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t live a thrilling life, I’ve explored the South Pole, worked a carrier deck and surfed in New Zealand but none of that matched the thrill of watching my kids and grandkids take their first steps. The best thrills aren’t sought they happen organically in your life and they don’t cost you anything…they reward you. I read that in a fortune cookie so it must be true.

There is nothing as nasty as a road trip with teenaged boys. I’ve followed longitudes and latitudes all the way around the globe and I’ve never encountered anything as disgusting as the smell of gasses omitted by the adolescent human male. I don’t know how much they pay school bus drivers but I know it isn’t enough.

With apologies to Mr. Twain I don’t think this format works for me.  I’ll try to find something more interesting to write about next week but, until then respect gravity, embrace natural thrills and avoid large Maori women, baluts and teenaged boys. I warned you I didn’t know much.