Wrong....as usual

Well I didn’t see THAT coming! As a rule I don’t write political humor and, don’t worry, I’m not going to start now but I have to admit that I was wrong about this election. If you had offered me a bet a year ago that we would elect a member of the WWE Hall of Fame as our next president I would have lost that bet ten times out of ten… so I was wrong.

Of course me being wrong isn’t anything to get too excited about. I have been wrong about who would win six out to the past 11 presidential elections so I’m right about as often as a coin toss…maybe a little less. If I’m brutally honest with myself I’d have to admit that I’m wrong more often than I’m right about most things.

For example I’ve predicted that the Kansas City Chiefs would win the Super Bowl every year since the Super Bowl was invented, that’s right, I am older than the Super Bowl. For those of you who are not NFL historians that means I have right exactly once and wrong XLIX times. Yes, I picked them again this year…it could happen!

I boldly predicted that reality TV was a passing fad that had run it’s course after the second season of Survivor, that MC Hammer would be the end of rap music in 1991, that Jerry Seinfeld would never amount to anything. Clearly I’m not an expert on how to entertain people (as if this blog isn’t proof enough of that.)

For the record I was stone cold sober, and dead wrong, when I stated for an absolute fact that Pamela Anderson was the only woman who could ever stimulate me on an emotional and intellectual level and that she would someday bear my children. Also for the record that restraining order has expired and I am free to write her name again and the devil returned my soul after failing to deliver on his end of that bargain. What a gyp!

I remember telling my friends that we should pay attention in algebra, trigonometry and calculus class because they wouldn’t be teaching us that stuff if it wasn’t going to be a critical part of adulthood. Sheesh! Was I wrong about that or what? It seems to me that they would have served us better by teaching us how to fill out a 1040 Form or a job application...but I could be wrong.

 Over the years my investment portfolio has included such financial winners as American Motors, Blockbuster and Betamax. Hell, I was doing so well for a while that I decided to sink the family fortune in a chain of strip mall photo-booths. Um…that was wrong…way wrong so please share this posting because I need the money!

I firmly believed that Billy Ray Cyrus could be the next Hank Williams, that eventually people would stop saying, “Have a nice day” and that someday the French would be relevant again. Wrong, still wrong and what the hell was I thinking?

I was sure I had met the love of my life at least a dozen times before I actually did and, sadly, a few times afterward. That was wrong. If being wrong was a sport this was a grand slam, a hole in one and a hat trick all rolled into one. If wrong was a mountain this would be Everest, if it was a planet this would be Jupiter, if being wrong was a jockey this would be Shaquille O'Neal dressed in racing silks (try to get that image out of your head.) It was as wrong as I've ever been... and I once bought a 1973 Vega.

After a lifetime of being wrong way more often than I’m right I’ve learned that being wrong isn’t the end of the world. It’s painful and expensive sometimes and embarrassing other times but for the most part it just doesn’t matter. I am a San Diego Padre fan, the ultimate proof of being perpetually wrong, but I still look forward to baseball season because baseball is more fun than being right.

Years ago an uninsured motorist ran a stop sign and T-boned my car. She was cited for the accident and she was clearly wrong but my car was smashed and I still had to pay the $500 deductible. I was in the right but, believe me, watching the Padres lose is a lot more fun than that was.

For the record I don’t always vote for the candidate I think is going to win the election. I’m not going to tell you who I voted for this time because our votes have been counted and we have a new president-elect so it really doesn’t matter anymore.

Did we get it right? Hell, I’m a humor columnist and I’ve still got a Bob Dole ’96 bumper sticker so I don’t know. I do know that Donald Trump will be our president for the next four years whether we got it right or wrong …so I’m with him.

The truth is I would have said the same thing if she had won because when it’s all said and done I’m an American and I’m not arrogant enough to believe that my vote should override the decision of the majority. Besides I’m not real proud of my record of getting things right but I am pretty proud of being an American. Being proud to be an American is one thing I’ve never been wrong about.