Things I Wonder About Now

One of the great things about being on the far side of middle age is that you don’t spend a lot of time trying to solve the world’s problems. Sometime after you get used to being a grandpa but before you get used to being called “Sweetie” by 25-year-old waitresses you realize that it’s pointless to worry about things you can’t control.

A while back I came to realize that the world moves on just fine whether I am at work or not. It occurred to that, despite the fact that I am an award winning newspaper columnist and a semi-famous blogger with a substantial international readership (I have almost a dozen regular readers and I’m pretty sure one of them has an accent), I have surprisingly little influence over the affairs of the world.

Once I had accepted that, my mind became free look for the answers to questions that bothered me so (to paraphrase Jimmy Buffett and you should always paraphrase Jimmy Buffett.) As you might imagine, the things I wonder about probably don’t keep most folks up at night.

I spent a good part of last winter contemplating why there are no “East” states. We have North Carolina and North Dakota, there is a South Carolina and even a South Dakota (or so I’m told…I’ve never met anyone who’s actually been to South Dakota) and there is even a West Virginia…but there’s no East Virginia. Is that even geographically possible?

The state located directly south of North Carolina in called South Carolina and the state allegedly sitting due south of North Dakota is South Dakota. So why is it that the place just east of the state of West Virginia is the Commonwealth of Virginia? What is that all about? I’ll admit that the quality of my life wouldn’t improve or change much if there was an East Virginia…but it would make a lot more sense.

Does anybody really understand what is or is not a foul in basketball? This has baffled me all of my life and I still don’t have a clue. To my untrained eye it seems that any time two player come within a foot of one another a foul is called or someone is complaining that a foul wasn’t called. What is good defense on one play is a flagrant foul on the next … there’s no rhyme or reason to it.

It’s not like the referees are favoring one team over another, the fouls are equally mysterious at both ends of the court. It’s not just me who is mystified by the officiating, even professional coaches and players are often seen shaking their heads in utter disbelief over a foul that was either called or ignored.

It’s not an issue that’s confined to basketball; the pass interference call in football has become much the same way. Great defense on one play is a penalty the next. It’s become so totally random that I think that instead of arguing and getting upset about it we embrace that and take the referee out of the equation. Why not just install one of those prize wheels on the sideline or the scoreboard and after each play just spin the wheel, if it lands on red it’s a foul on black it’s a good play. If it should land on one of the two silver spots on the wheel it’s just a do-over and some lucky fan wins a Buick or a toaster oven. It makes as much sense as the current officiating and is probably just as accurate at calling fouls plus it’s a great way to get rid of excess Buicks and toaster ovens that no one is buying.

I wonder if any one has ever asked a waiter, “Do you have an pickled okra?” If grocery stores can sell stuff for less to people who have signed up for the free store membership does that mean their regular prices are jacked up?

I can’t help but wonder who decided a duck face was a good way to pose for a selfie or that it’s cool to wear a ball cap with your wraparound shades sitting on the bill inside a nice restaurant at night. How hungry was the first caveman who decided that a lobster was food? All great mysteries that I wonder about but will never understand.

I wonder what our great nation has come to when our presidential choices have been reduced to an old guy who looks like a character from the Simpsons, a reality TV star and a career politician who’s got more corporate sponsorship than the average NASCAR driver.

I’m not going to save the world….the world was here a long time before I was and I’m quite certain it will still be here long after I’m gone. I’m old enough now to wonder how I was ever arrogant enough to think that if I didn’t keep a close eye on the world it would all go to hell. I wonder if I’m copping out now….but mostly I wonder if there is still ice cream in the freezer!