It’s long been established that I am the luckiest man on the
planet. How else could you explain that, despite being a short funny looking
and relatively average guy with few marketable skills, I manage to enjoy a
beautiful family and live a comfortable life of international adventure? Its
either pure luck or I was the piss-boy for King Henry the Eighth in a previous
life and this is some kind of karmic payback.
For the record I am
not able to enjoy a life of international adventure as a reward for my professional
and financial success, quite the contrary, I live a lifestyle fueled by equal
doses of blind luck and total financial irresponsibility. It’s not for everybody but it works pretty
well for me.
Most recently I was lucky enough to send three weeks in
Florence Italy during the holiday season. For those of you who have never spent
Christmas in an Italian city there are few things you should be prepared for.
Primarily you should be prepared to hear bells … giant
church bells that clang loudly at the top of every hour then again at the half
hour and yet again to call the faithful to mass. I can’t say for sure how often
they hold mass during the Christmas season but based on the continual chiming
of the huge cathedral bells I would estimate it’s about every 20 minutes or so.
The exception to this would be anytime you’re trying to sleep off the bottle of
Grappa you had with dinner; then they ring the bells every five minutes … I’m
sure of it.
Grappa is another Italian treasure to be prepared for. Every
eatery, vineyard, monastery, gas station and stationary store has it’s own unique
Grappa recipe all claiming to be the best. As always, I felt the need to do
exhaustive research to determine which was indeed the best Grappa and it turns
out that each and every one was the best … as I was drinking it. Grappa is as
strong as it is tasty so extreme care should be taken when consuming it because
it has been known to cause spontaneous singing, excessive flirting and
outrageous exaggeration (all things that are normally very out of character for
me).
It’s my theory that Grappa is the reason Italian men think
they are great lovers; after downing a bottle of wine with dinner then a bottle
of Grappa afterward they wake up the next morning with a headache, no memory of
the previous night and a missing shoe. Naturally, they all assume they must
have done well with the ladies because, after all, they are Italian men. It
also explains why there are so many shoe stores in Itay.
The Italian food in Florence was incredible but be prepared
for the fact they just call it “food”, that can be confusing for an unseasoned American
traveler. Schedule at least two hours for a proper Italian meal and don’t ask
what it is, just eat it … trust me!
Next, you should be prepared to walk when visiting downtown
Florence because the roads are older than our nation and were built for carts
drawn by very thin horses, so everyone walks. Your preparations for walking
through downtown foot traffic should include a pair of sturdy shoes, an umbrella
(for the inevitable rain and fending off street vendors) and eye protection.
You’ll need eye protection because when it does rain and the umbrellas pop up, the
tip of a short Italian’s umbrella will put your eye out quicker than a Daisey
Red Rider BB gun. You’ve been warned!
When visiting Italy you should make your plans very
flexible. It turns out that airline departures, bus schedules, store hours and even
the schedule for those darned bells are purely advisory in nature. As a rule
Italians do things when they show up without much regard for the time. I think
it’s the bells … they hear them chime and think it’s the 4PM bell but it’s
actually the call for the 4:15 mass, except on even numbered months, when it
would be the 4:12 mass. No wonder time is a mystery to them.
Finally be prepared to learn a lot of history; I learned
that Florence is the ancestral home of the Ninja Turtles. They have museums
dedicated to Donatello, Micheangelo, Raphael and Leonardo, who I know to be the
Ninja Turtles but the locals claimed were ancient Italian artists. I know they
think all tourists are dumb but come on,
what are the odds that there were four famous Italian artists
who just happened to have Ninja Turtle names?
I figured that last one out without ever having to go into a
museum, I told you I was lucky!
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