As we look forward to 2016 I think it’s natural to wonder
what the new yea will have in store for us. This year instead of wasting time
writing New Year’s resolutions that never happen I’ve decided to make some prediction
of things that could happen in 2016…. but probably won’t.
For the record I’m not a psychic, I don’t know how to read
tarot cards and, even though I might have smoked some tealeaves back in the
Seventies, I claim no special talent or ability for foreseeing future events.
If fact I figure pretty much anyone who claims the ability to predict the
future is full of shit, and since I’m more full of shit than most, I guess I’m
as qualified to predict the highlights of 2016 as the next guy.
I predict that there will be a Super Bowl Champion in the
Bay Area in February of this year. That’s right, I’m flat out saying that the
Lombardi Trophy will be awarded in Santa Clara, CA …but it won’t be to the
Raiders or the 49ers. Take that one to the bank!
If you are a married man, at least once during 2016 your
wife will look at you as if you were an alien and think, “What the hell was he
thinking?”. If you are a single man, at least once in 2016 you will look at a
married couple and think, “ What the hell was he thinking?” Write it down, it will happen!
I predict that millions of former high school football
players and current couch potatoes will watch Olympic rugby and think, “That’s
great! I can do that!” in August of 2016. I further predict that in September 2016
most of those doughboys will be returning to their couches bruised, battered
and dreaming of their glory days playing special teams on the high school JV football
team. Rugby is like sprinting a marathon
with a mixed martial artist knocking the crap out of you every ten yards. It’s
not for wimps!
In 2016 negative political ads will hit an all time low.
This is the easiest prediction of all since it happens every election cycle. I
figure at some point an ad from Mrs. Clinton will accuse The Donald of looking
at child porn on the Internet while wearing a coat made from the fur of a baby
seal that he personally clubbed. I expect Mr. Trump to counter with an ad
claiming that Hillary was actually born in the US (we all know he doesn’t care
for American women), served as a Kenyan midwife at President Obama’s birth,
co-wrote the final episode of The Soprano’s and being the real killer in both
the OJ and Amanda Knox murder cases.
I predict that Marco Rubio and Bernie Sanders will produce
legitimate campaign ads addressing actual political issues but nobody will
notice. Mike Huckleberry or Bumblebee or whatever his name is will win the
Arkansas primary, which will convince him that he is still relevant and make
him run again in 2020. Oh the humanity!
Somebody other that Barack Obama will be elected President
in 2016 disproving all of the nut-jobs who posted on Facebook that he had
secured a third term through Executive Order or magic Muslim Brotherhood
Voo-doo …those claims will be ignored as if they never happened. It seems the
Internet’s hypocrisy know no bounds (forgive me Doc Holliday).
At some point during 2016 you will be stopped in a
construction zone on the freeway where the left lane is closed and some asshole
will pull all the way forward and try to merge in at the last moment. Though he
richly deserves to die and you have a shotgun in your truck (because, who
doesn’t have a shotgun in his truck) you will not shoot him because street
justice is still illegal. Thanks Obama.
There you have it, my predictions for 2016. Print them on a
fortune cookie, in a horoscope or however you prefer your phony baloney future
predictions packaged. The best part about the future is that it’s not
predetermined and absolutely anything can happen; heck a skinny white kid named
Marshall Bruce Mathers III made a living as a rap star so anything is possible!
Nobody can really predict the future because, despite what
you may have read on Facebook, we all still have free will. That said, 2016
should be a lot of fun because it’s the last year for American Idol, Ryan Freakin’
Seacrest will be out of work and those, my friends, are signs of good things to
come!
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