Surrounded by stupid

The world is full of stupid shit. Every time I think I’ve seen the dumbest thing ever, I stumble across a reality show, Fox News or a lowered SUV with those ridiculous thin tires and I realize there is no end to stupid.

Just this week I read about some dumb teenager who got drunk and broke into some cars. While petty theft is rarely a bright move, it’s particularly stupid when you leave your cell phone in the victim’s car.

It get’s worse. When the victim discovered her car had been burgled (I’ve always wanted you use that word...burgled…sometimes I crack myself up) she found the cell phone laying on the driver’s seat. The good news is that she decided not to call the cops; the bad news is she decided to call the kid’s mom instead. Harsh…right?

The rest of the story plays out like a teenaged wanna-be gangster’s worst nightmare. She grabbed him by the ear, as only a mother can and made him knock on the door of every victim, return their stolen property and apologize to them while she stood on the curb with her arms crossed with that stern look that every mother of a teenaged son has mastered.

I haven’t been a teenager for over 30 years and I still shudder at the thought of my mother boxing my ear in public. The price he paid for his stupidity was pretty high; it usually is…ask John Edwards or Ted Haggard.

I don’t mean to pick on that moron, he’s probably learned his lesson but there’s no lack of overt stupidity in our world. Here is a list of randomly stupid shit…in no particular order:

·      Drive through ATM’s with braille buttons on the keypad.

·      Shading your eyes with your hand while wearing your ball cap backwards.

·      Ordering a diet soda to wash down your double bacon cheeseburger.

·      Any movie with Steven Segal…seriously.

·      Expecting gun control laws to reduce violent crime. Criminals, by definition, don’t give a shit about laws.

·      Anyone who believes that an “herbal supplement” will enlarge and energize your “manhood.” That stuff doesn’t work and it give me gas…I mean can give you gas…I’ve heard that it gives guys gas. Never mind…it’s stupid.

·      Adult males wearing skinny jeans.

·      Sarah Palin, Joe Biden and Rush Limbaugh…come on…you know it’s true.

·      Fake eyelashes. Seriously ladies…there’s an outside chance a guy might notice that you have eyes but there’s virtually no chance that he’ll notice your eyelashes. If he does, there’s a good chance he’s wearing fake eyelashes himself…just saying.

·      Diving a Smart Car on the freeway is anything but smart.

·      The TSA.

·      People who debate the details of the zombie apocalypse…there is no zombie apocalypse…there isn’t going to be a zombie apocalypse…it doesn’t matter if zombies crap in their pants or never crap at all or why some of them can’t open doors and others can climb fences...BECAUSE IT'S ALL FREAKIN' FICTION!!!

·      All these new “Crossover” vehicles; they’re not really an SUV, they’re not even a decent van…but they are stupid.

·      Anyone who believes that fashion is “important.” Curing cancer is important, feeding children is important, winning the AFC West is very important but fashion is just a trendy way to cover your otherwise naked butt. 

·      Anyone who tattoos his girlfriend’s name on his forearm before the age of…well... death. I’ve known way too many guys who could only date women named “Karen” because of a drunken moment of poor judgment in their 20’s. Stupid can stick with you.

·      Guys who try to understand women. Women have an unnatural attention span and the memory of a freakin' laser disc, that means they always remember what you did wrong and never get tired of talking about it. It’s stupid to try to understand that…Hell, you’re lucky to even survive it.

I could go on and on. I haven’t mentioned cosmetic surgery, lite beer or TV evangelists; there is no shortage of stupid. Old guys trying to be young are stupid, young girls trying to look older are stupid; Hell, I’ve said at least ten insensitive things that pissed off my wife this week…and I’ve been married for 26 years…how stupid am I?

The good news is stupid isn’t fatal. Somehow most of us survive our stupidity; heck, Evel Knievel, the undisputed king of doing stupid shit, died of old age; so I like my odds…unless Sandra reads this. Dang it! I did it again.