The end of "Cool" as we know it

I think most of us have just assumed that since we’re all still here that the ancient Mayans were wrong about the end of the world…I’m not so sure.

I’ve never been a big believer in your run of the mill conspiracy theories, but I’m thinking we might have written this one off a little too quick. I’m no expert on ancient Mayan calendars but my wife has seen every You Tube video ever made about it so I’m pretty sure I’m as qualified as that guy with the weird hair on the History Channel who assured us that we wouldn’t need to make plans for January, 2013.

Speaking strictly for myself, I had a hell of a time making my mortgage payment last month because I had blown my savings on MREs and shot gun shells preparing for the Mad Max world I was sure we’d be dealing with last month. You know what I’m talking about, I’m sure most of you were in the same boat…right? Oh well.

It occurs to me that something was lost in the translation of the Mayan’s prediction; instead predicting the actual end of the world, I suspect they were trying to tell us it would be the end of the world as we know it. Like that old song, which is very cool… the song… not the prediction.

Then again, pretty much every one who claims to speak ancient Mayan also claims to speak Klingon so it’s not difficult to understand how something might have been lost in the translation.

From where I sit (usually within an arm’s reach of the remote and a micro-brew) the “world as we know it” is a pretty cool place. What bothers me is that, based on recent developments, the world as taken on a new reality that is self-indulgent, intolerant, narrow-minded, rude, over bearing, probably a little too tall and most definitely uncool.

While it’s entirely possible that I’ve just become one of those old guys who whines about how things were better in the “good ol’ days” , I think the evidence will show that either the world has changed or I’m a humor columnist desperate to fill space; maybe both.

Don’t think the world has changed? Consider the following:

The world as we knew it: Cartoons were Hanna Barbera and Looney Toons (Foghorn Leghorn and Yosemite Sam are very cool)

The new reality: Cartoons are Anime and South Park (crude can be funny but it’s almost never cool)

The world as we knew it: A 16 ounce porterhouse, a loaded baked potatoes and a cold beer (by definition red meat and beer are cool)

The new reality: Weight Watcher’s entrée for men (gluten free, of course) and a single glass of wine from a local organic vineyard. (no explanation needed)

The world as we knew it: TV commercials for beer and pick-up trucks (both are cool, individually and collectively)

The new reality: TV commercials for internet dating services and prescription medication to help you “perform” on your internet date (real men do not pick up women online and don’t consider intimate relations to be a “performance”)

The world as we knew it: Your wife and kids

The new reality: A significant other and his/her/your kids

The world as we knew it: A half-breed dog that eats table scraps and is always glad to see you (Mutts are cool)

The new reality: A pure bred purse dog that is allergic to everything but milk fed European lamb and almost tolerates you after pet therapy sessions (any dog who would consent to being carried in a purse is not cool)

The world as we knew it: Westerns with John Wayne and Clint Eastwood herding cows and riding horses (Very cool)

The new reality: Westerns with Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal herding sheep and…never mind (NOT cool)

The world as we knew it: A 32 once Coke (real Americans decide for themselves what they choose to consume)

The new reality: A five-ounce energy drink (the only stimulants that are cool involve a severe adrenaline rush from knife fighting a grizzly bear or a cup of black coffee)

The world as we knew it: TV shows written by Mel Brooks, Buck Henry, Gene Roddenberry and Carl Reiner (the coolest)

The new reality: TV shows written by……well….nobody. Even Roddenberry couldn’t make up Honey Boo Boo (reality TV hasn’t been cool since….well…ever)

The world as we knew it: Green men in spacesuits invaded from outer space (Cool)

The new reality: An orange man in a business suit is Speaker of the House (I don’t know if he has a skin disease or an addiction to tanning booths but either way, very uncool)

The world as we knew it: The Pontiac GTO (cool muscle car)

The new reality: The Chevy Volt (underpowered golf cart)

The world as we knew it: Kids rode their bikes (without helmets) to meet friends on a vacant lot to play tackle football (without helmets or pads) until the street lights came on (cool kids are not afraid to bleed)

The new reality: Parents drive their kids to a park to play soccer (in uniforms, and shin guards) with strangers until it’s time for cupcakes (not the kids fault, but still not cool)

It seems like I went to sleep in a world where a drone attack meant being stung by a bee and woke up in a world where “Real Housewives” were neither real nor housewives. 

When I was younger I thought that changing times were a sign of progress, these days I think the Mayans may have been on to something and there is nothing cool about that.