A funny thing happened on the way to the end of the world

A strange thing happened on the way to the end of the world; I stopped writing. The funny part about that is that when you write for a living, that actually could have been the end of my world…but it wasn’t.

I’d like to think that some of my loyal fans noticed that my columns disappeared near the end of last year and, naturally assumed that the Mayans had been right and it was the beginning of the end. I’d like to think that but I’m a humor columnist not an idiot.

For the record I really do write for a living these days. My life as a slacker and a man of leisure ended last year when my wife selfishly decided to quit her day job and become an international artist and a woman of leisure. I know, I’m still not over it either.

I know what you must be thinking, there’s no way this hack can make a living writing this drivel and, sadly, you’re right. Fortunately my natural talent for droning on and on is ideal for technical writing for government contracts; they pay by the word and nobody reads it! If I could stay focused I could retire a rich man, but as most of you know, focus has never been my long suit.

Writing has always been fun for me because I was free to fill a blank screen with 750 words about anything I found amusing. I didn’t even have to be clever; being “almost clever” once a week for the last five years made me an award winning humor columnist. Imagine what I could do if I wrote full time about something that really matters!

I guess that’s why I thought that a full time job that involves writing and editing would make being an employed grown-up a bit more tolerable. Given my previous experience as a writer, I thought I could finance Sandra’s globetrotting and my mid-life crisis without me actually working.

I was wrong.

It turns out that writing is a lot like marriage; it’s best when spiced with some creativity and a touch of humor, or it can suck the life right out of you if your heart is not really in it. Done right both can be very fulfilling and a lot of fun but are just plain work when you’re just going through the motions.. Trust me.

At first I told myself (and my editor) that I just didn’t have time to write my column anymore. That was true, but not totally honest (a concept that still escapes me but my wife says I’m pretty good at it); the truth is that no matter how tired I am I always find the energy to indulge myself, another of my character traits that Sandra has pointed out a time or two.

Then Sandra came home from Italy and we went took off for the holidays so, clearly, it would have been insensitive of me to spent time writing and I’m nothing if not sensitive. OK, Sandra might not be so quick to confirm that one.

The point is that I could have been writing but I wasn’t writing and it bothered me more and more. It frustrated me that I could spend the day writing for other people but couldn’t seem to write a word for myself. For the first time in my adult life I was suffering from performance anxiety (Sandra better not have a comment about that!)

It didn’t take long for that same frustration to permeate the rest of my life and, you guessed it, Sandra did have a comment about that. She pointed out that when I’m not happy I can be something less than the ruggedly masculine, yet surprisingly sensitive, husband she is accustomed to…maybe not her exact words.

So how did I find the time and inclination to start writing again? As you may have guessed it was something Sandra said (imagine that), “You’re a short guy with a big nose, if you’re going to be whiny and moody on top of that you’re going to have to make a lot more money.”

Suddenly, I felt the urge to write again. Turns out that writing humor columns really does make me happy; and it’s a lot more fun (and likely) than me making any more money!

A funny thing happened when the world didn’t end…I found my voice again.