Not Another Thanksgiving Column

I sat down to write my traditional Thanksgiving, “Things I’m grateful for” column but I just couldn’t seem to conjure up my usual clever observations with the rapier like wit that you’ve all come to expect from my columns….OK, work with me here.

Instead I’m going to tell you a true story about something I’m not all that thankful for and see if that amuses you. I’m betting it will because everybody seems to get a chuckle out of this…except me.

We rented a nice little townhouse near my new office in Florida before Sandra went back to Italy. She claims that she’s in art school there but sometimes I wonder. I never once saw her attempt to draw Pokey so I don’t know what she’s really up to, but I digress.

At first I enjoyed living alone in my little place; I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and, as far as I know, the local cable TV network doesn’t even carry Bravo, Lifetime or Oxygen. Life was good until my roommates showed up.

I had noticed a couple of squirrels playing in the backyard but didn’t really give them much thought past being potential snacks should the zombie apocalypse happen while I’m here.  It never occurred to me that they were casing the joint.

A few weeks ago I was awakened by a noise in my bedroom, which was pretty exciting since I live alone. Naturally, I slid out of bed with the stealth of a trained ninja and quickly armed myself with the assault rifle that all good Americans keep beside their beds (at least those of us who believe Red Dawn is a documentary), a razor sharp samurai sword (in case it’s real zombies and I have to remove their heads) and a Rambo knife (just because they are really cool).

I was just about to begin my combat patrol when I realized that the sound came from behind my bedroom wall!  I abandoned my weapons and did a perfect shoulder roll across my bed and armed myself with the identical weapons I keep on that side, because you never know which side the Commie paratroopers or zombies might come from.

I froze and listened for the next sound from my intruder, poised to spring into action just as I had learned from the Barney Fife Home Protection Handbook that sat, well read and dog-eared, on my night stand.

The next sound I heard is the unmistakable sound of chewing…so it was the zombies! Worse yet, varmint zombies!

The sound was coming from inside my bedroom wall! I suspected zombie rats has accessed my attic and were eating the house before attacking me in my sleep, the only logical explanation, so I decided to climb into the attic and take the fight to them.

Armed only with my knife and a flashlight, I leaped into the attic, turned on my flashlight and, with a ninja shout, assumed an attack posture.

Soon I realized that there was nothing there and I was just standing naked in my attic at 3 AM holding a flashlight in my teeth, probably not the image I wanted the real attackers to see. I exited the attic ladder with cat-like reflexes, looking as cool as a middle-aged naked guy can look at 3 AM with a flashing in his mouth.

It turns out that those cute little squirrels have chewed through the siding and are nesting inside the walls of my townhouse! If you’ve read this column for very long, and I’m guessing you haven’t, you know that my rodent killing prowess knows no equal.

I’ve taken out mice and rats in hand to hand combat and been in a full-on knife fight with a gopher; I am a dark legend among varmints and my blood is up for a fight…but these squirrels are another man’s problem so I quelled my fighting instinct and called my landlord and complained.

Sure he used poisoned peanut butter balls to get them to leave the house in search of water, while I probably would have blasted the bedroom wall with a shotgun then fixed the drywall as the squirrel pelts dried on my headboard; but it was his call.

Oh, by the way, the varmints are back, I heard them again this morning. I’ll give the landlord another chance to evict them with these fancy traps he bought, but if they’re still here next week…I might just handle it myself and have a new squirrel-tailed cap for Christmas.

For that, I would be truly thankful!