All about the Games

It’s an even numbered year and I’m very excited about the drama and action in store as we plunge into the long, expensive and excruciating selection process that happens every other year. 

Although the participants have been preparing for years, some are groomed from early childhood, we choose the best of the best every other year and give them the opportunity to compete to be the world leader....in ping pong, beach volleyball and steeplechase!

Some of you might have thought I was talking about the election process but, while I am a concerned citizen and the constitutionally mandated process of peacefully transferring power based on the will of the voting majority is fascinating, it pales in comparison to the drama that ensues when the Germans and the Norwegians square off for world dominance in the clean and jerk!

It’s 2012, a leap year, an election year and, according to the Mayans and at least a dozen scientists on the History Channel, we’re facing the almost certain end of the world as we know it, but I’m thrilled at the prospect of getting up at 3AM to watch Costa Rica battle Latvia in women’s soccer, covered live on the Food Network.

Four years ago the presidential election featured a showdown between a woman and an African American for the first time…yawn…that was thrilling but who’ll ever forget when Michael Phelps re-affirmed America’s status as the one true super power when he beat that French dude by a fingernail! Now that’s real life drama; USA, we’re number one!

While the summer games don’t offer the thrill a minute action of women’s curling that we get during the winter Olympics, there are a ton of really cool events being contested. It’s pretty much the only opportunity most of us have watch world-class water polo, synchronized diving or senior archers on mountain bikes.

OK, senior archery on mountain bikes probably isn’t an Olympic event…but it ought to be! What could be more fun than watching a bunch of old guys riding bicycles down steep hillsides dodging boulders and their competitor’s arrows; talk about the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat!

I’d not only watch that, I’d like to give that a try.

Sadly, women’s softball is no longer an Olympic event. That’s really a shame because it denies women a traditional venue for demonstrating excellence in a mainstream sport and the US could always count on a medal in that event. That’s right, USA, we’re number one!

There are some new events this year; my personal favorite is rugby sevens. They’ll be playing this shortened version of the game because it suits the short attention span of the brain damaged former rugby players like me, the only morons who’ll set their alarms for 4AM to watch 14 lunatics knocking the poop out of each other live from London.

Maybe we should introduce some new, more relevant new events to the Olympics. I suggest a 50-mile race on one of those weird hover things that mall cop ride while texting with one hand. You’d get bonus points for the most words misspelled with points deducted for proper punctuation, of course.

There is no reason we shouldn’t sweep the medals in this event, it’s a true American sport! USA, we’re number one!

I was going to recommend an endurance event testing the individuals ability to fill out unemployment forms and to stay on unemployment for as long as possible.

Initially I thought we could dominate this event but, given the stuff going on in Europe, I’m not so sure. The only thing more depressing than being stuck on unemployment might be to be stuck on unemployment and then lose in the Olympics to an out-of-work dance instructor from Spain.

Seriously, I am looking forward to the Olympics. It’s exciting to watch the very best athletes in the world competing in their prime. I realize that I might be naïve but I like to think that the classic Olympic events are the purest form of competition; you line up and the first one across the finish line wins; just like kids do on the playground.

I think it’s pretty cool that among all of the violence, economic strife and political nonsense the world gets to go out and play. We still want to know who can run faster or jump higher; and for those few weeks we get to be just like kids on the playground and let it all be about the Games.