Cold pizza, beer and Chuck Norris

People often ask me how I’m adapting to life with Sandra out of the country. Women usually assume that I’m living in some kind of squalor and suffering from malnutrition and loneliness. Men just want to know if I really get to have cold pizza and beer for breakfast, what it’s like to have complete control of the remote and how I know when I’m screwing up with no one around to tell me everyday.

People who know Sandra well are laughing already. Sandra is a brilliant creative genius, a warm, wonderful wife and mother, and an incredible cook; but she’s nobody’s domestic goddess. So ladies, I’m eating a nice balanced diet, I make my bed every day and I’m not due for my semi-annual marital display of affection until mid-June and she’ll be home by then. I’m getting by.

Guys, yes I can have a Sam Adam’s and cold pizza for breakfast whenever I want, we talk on Skype at once a day so I’m well informed on my inadequacies but what helps me deal with missing my wife, and I really do miss my wife, is that I can watch old war movies, Mel Brooks comedy classics and tough guy flicks anytime I want.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve a grown man, I have always been able to watch “The Longest Day” or “Kelley’s Heroes” if I wanted to, the difference now is that there is no requirement to watch a chick-flick or a Dr. Phil as payback.

I guess it’s a guy thing but I enjoy watching a mindless tough-guy movie from time to time. When you don’t have to waste a lot of brainpower trying to figure out the plot line, you can just sit back and enjoy watching John Wayne, Sylvester Stallone or Bruce Willis single handedly knock the poop out of some bank robbers, Nazis, or terrorists. In fact, in the movie “Die Hard”, I think Bruce Willis actually knocked out a dozen bank robbing Nazi terrorists.

I can hear you ladies protesting already, “Those movies aren’t believable, there’s no way Bruce Willis could shoot down an ultra modern fighter jet from the back of a bread truck.” Exactly, it’s completely outrageous but it’s pretty freakin’ cool and that’s why we love it.

Oh by the way, I really don’t want to hear about unbelievable plots and repetitive story lines from someone who watches chick flicks. I have a wife and two daughters and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve suffered through Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock or Sarah Jessica Parker meeting the very same guy who fears commitment but is uncontrollably attracted to her so he finally pops the question. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.

As for unbelievable plots, if you’ve ever watched a movie about a rich good-looking guy willing to give it his playboy lifestyle to settle down with Reese Witherspoon, I don’t want to hear about unbelievable plots! Ridiculous.

I think every guy has his favorite tough-guy. I like most of them but Clint Eastwood is my personal favorite. Any man is still playing action roles into his eighties is a true tough-guy.

There are imposters who try to make tough-guy movies but just can’t pull it off. Come on, Nicholas Cage couldn’t intimidate his own make-up artist, and Steven Segal, well I can’t honestly say I’ve ever been able to stay awake through a Steven Segal movie so I can’t really say.

Chuck Norris has become a pop culture icon, not because of his acting, but just for being Chuck Norris. I hear that Newt Gingrich has got Chuck Norris making robo- calls trying to scare people into voting for him. It must be effective because, despite being Newt Gingrich, he came in a close second in this week’s primaries.

The Internet is full of sites that list Chuck Norris jokes. I found a website that will let you pick your favorite Chuck Norris joke and then print it on a T-shirt for you. Among my personal favorites are, “Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that’s why there’s no signs of life there.” and, “Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his bedroom; the bear isn’t dead, he’s just afraid to move.”

That’s funny stuff! I think I’ll heat up some pizza, pop open a beer and watch some Walker, Texas Ranger reruns; right after I Skype my wife, I do miss her you know.