2012 New Year Resolutions

Here we are almost a week into the New Year and I have only broken one of my resolutions so far; that may not be a record for me but it’s well above my average. I have made fun of resolutions for years but I keep making them because, just look at me, I would hate to think that this is as good as I’m going to get.

New Years resolutions are cool because every year they compel us to take a look at ourselves and decide what we can do to live a more full and meaningful life and then resolve to change our lives for the better.

For the record I broke my first resolution this week when I decided to skipped news coverage of the Iowa Caucuses to watch “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World” on CD (I have the deluxe collectors editions, of course.)

I had resolved to spend my spare time getting involved in the selection of our next president; but given the choice of a comedy classic with Jimmy Durante or watch talking heads ramble about Mitt Romney I’m going with Durante every time. If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Other resolutions I made this year include:

In 2012 I will not try to kill the gophers in my yard with a kitchen knife…again.

I will compete in at lest one Gladiator Challenge, not to satisfy some midlife crisis but because it’s a chance to pay strangers for the opportunity to crawl through mud and climb cargo nets. Come on, who doesn’t want to do that?

I’ll actually listen to my wife when she’s explaining my inadequacies as a human being in general and a husband in particular; well I’ll listen most of the time.

I won’t accept a Senior Discount when some 19 year-old mistakes me for being over 60; like hell I won’t.

I won’t write a political column, no matter how ridiculous the campaign gets (unless Rick Perry gets the nomination; that guy writes the humor for you.)

I’ll only eat ice cream on even numbered days. It’s not really a sacrifice because I intend to have a yogurt smoothie smothered in whipped cream on odd numbered days but I can tell my doctor I cut my ice cream consumption in half! It’s a win/win situation.

I’ll remain cancer free. There’s no joke there, I just don’t want cancer again.

I’ll use my own name when meeting nice looking ladies, even when my wife is out of town…just like last year and…we; I’ve always done that. I don’t know why I listed that one…oh never mind.

I will not eat cottage cheese this year (if you’re taking bets on which one of these I won’t break, bet on this one.)

I will read a book written by someone other than Lewis Grizzard, Dan Jenkins, Mark Twain or Jimmy Buffett; I don’t really see the point but Sandra thinks it would help me to read something with more cultural value. Clearly she has never read “Semi-Tough” by Dan Jenkins or Lewis Grizzard’s “Elvis is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Good Myself”; classic literature.

I won’t forward any of those ridiculous political emails this election year so please don’t send them to me. They are all fiction but definitely not classic literature so I'm just going to delete them anyway.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I’ll finish my book and eat a healthier diet and all of those other things I’ve resolved to do over the last twenty years or so but never got around to actually doing.

Finally, I resolve to live 2012 as if all the whackos are right and there won’t be a 2013. Don’t get me wrong I don’t buy and of that Mayan nonsense or that world is coming to an end but last year I only had one resolution, to survive long enough to make resolutions this year so from where I stand, things are looking up.

I’m not that sharp but I learned that life is precious and none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, much less a next year. So I resolve to have fun, watch as my kids, grandkids and even my wife grow and enjoy their own adventures and I resolve to love every minute of it.

So have a great new year, live it like it’s your last because it is a mad, mad, mad, mad world and, you can bet I’ll avoid eating cottage cheese; otherwise this might be as good as I ever get.