The Return of El Guapo

I’ve been silent for over a year now because I really it felt like my columns had transformed from being almost clever to just barely clever. It made sense to me that when you find yourself without anything relevant or mildly amusing to say that it was probably time to shut the hell up. That kind of thinking along with a very small dose of self-respect are the reasons I have never gone into politics…but we’ll get back to that.

As a wise ass and a semi-pro humorist it’s been difficult to observe the buffoonery of human endeavor for the last year without making public comments every week. There’s been more than enough material but the shenanigans all seemed so obvious that writing about it would have been like writing a food review saying cottage cheese sucks; everyone knows that so there’s no humor in repeatedly pointing it out…maybe that’s a bad example.

Well, I’ve always sucked at keeping my mouth shut and I simply can’t do it anymore! To quote a great American and personal role model, Popeye the Sailor, “I’ve had all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!” I’ve got a year’s worth classic El Guapo pseudo-wisdom to unleash so let’s skip the foreplay (I always do) and get right to it!

The 2016 election is over. I wrote that as a public service because it seems that way too many people are still spouting campaign rhetoric….the same old stale crap that started around the summer of 2014. Stop campaigning and govern already!

Just a generation ago Ronnie Lott pulled off the broken tip of his broken finger to finish a football game and now grown men with man-buns are playing professional competitive tag. Just stop it! Take the bobby pins out of your hair; grab a bat and step up to the plate boys because I’m getting old and you’re up.

Farmers Only.com is a thing….what the hell?

A recent study shows that 98% of college graduates in the United States have a social media page, 48% have a blog but less than 8% know how to calculate a percentage. Of course that study was done at a university so the numbers are suspect.

There is a federal law against selling weed but it’s perfectly legal to sell ultra-lite beer, canned “cheese food products” that don’t contain cheese, genetically altered radiated produce and fat free non-dairy ice cream. The Feds don’t seem to realize that we need to be stoned to eat that crap!

When was the last time you heard of any medical condition being cured? Doctors don’t cure you they treat you…forever. I’m still taking prescriptions I was started on 15 years ago and none of them are the fun kind…damn it! Hell I don’t even remember why I take this stuff anymore, but I’m afraid if I stop taking it I’ll lose my youthful vitality and Greek god-like body…wait…

There is a famous picture taken during a victory celebration at the end of World War II of a sailor kissing a young lady who seemed passionate about thanking him for his service. Today that same photo would surely result in the sailor getting disciplined for inappropriate behavior and the young lady receiving some sort of mandatory victim counseling. If they were the “Greatest Generation” what does that make us?

We need some leadership in this country, real old fashioned “The buck stops here” kind of leadership because we’ve headed down a very dangerous path.  We elected a president who is a caricature of a leader because we’ve become a caricature of the nation the Greatest Generation left to us.

General Patton famously said, ”Lead me, follow me or get the Hell out of my way.” Now that’s the kind of leadership I’m talking about. Real leaders serve the people not their own egos because they don’t forget that it’s a privilege to serve in America. Unlike kings or dictators, American Presidents are nothing more than temporary employees who serve at our pleasure.

I’d run for office myself and straighten all this crap out but I’m honest enough to admit that, like General Patton, I’m not a man born for this generation. He was born to be a 12^th century knight and I was born to be a 19^th century pirate and there is far too much pillaging in my recent past to be an acceptable candidate!

Seriously, I can sit here and write smart-assed quips (or Tweets), but that doesn’t qualify me to lead. Groucho Marx once said “I refuse to join a club that would have me as a member.” I say I refuse to lead a country that would elect an immature slacker like me…if only all immature slackers felt that way.