A cranky old flyer

I’ve been told that I’ve been getting crankier every year, usually by some whiny young punk, but I suppose it could be true. I don’t feel crankier… maybe a touch less tolerant of fools and nonsense than I was when I was younger, but I honestly believe that the world is becoming more ridiculous and foolish all the time. It’s true!

Let me give you just one example; there was a time when I liked going to the airport, I’ve always enjoyed traveling and the airport represented the beginning of a new adventure. Over the last decade or so going to the airport and commercial air travel have gone from being an adventure to being a royal pain in the butt.

I remember strolling into an airport without a ticket an hour before a flight and buying a ticket to visit my family in Boise. I didn’t have to show an ID or pay to check my luggage and I could walk straight to the gate to board my plane. Once aboard the airplane I would relax, cross my legs and enjoy the flight. I could cross my legs because I have short legs but also because there used to be an eight more inches between the seats. It may sound crazy but twenty years ago, you always had plenty of elbowroom to enjoy eating your complementary meal. That’s right we had elbowroom… and free meals!

Now when I fly I buy my ticket two weeks in advance so that I have a 50/50 chance of not getting stuck in a middle seat. Even with a reservation I show up at the airport at least two hours early so I have plenty of time to wait in line. Waiting in line has become a prominent part of modern commercial air travel. That may not be the root cause of my new crankiness but it’s sure as hell as contributing factor.

First you wait in line to check your bags and get your boarding pass. This is usually a chaotic process because most airlines use those damned computer kiosk things for checking in that require a major credit card, a biometric eye scan or some sort of DNA sample. This machine asks you a series of questions about your destination, how many bags you’re checking, who won the 1947 World Series before it’ll issue the boarding pass. I’m not sure what happens if you fail this preflight test but I assume a trap door opens under your feet and you’re dropped into some sort of TSA screening room.

If I successfully pass the kiosk exam the machine will print out my boarding pass and baggage claim receipt. Next I get to speak to an actual human being who asks me to provide a photo ID before accepting my luggage, I guess it’s important to prove that it was actually me who paid $60 to bring along my extra shirts and underwear. I’m not sure why it matters or why anyone else would pay $60 to send my extra shirts and underwear to Boise, but that’s what we do now and I’m not sure if it makes us any safer but I’m pretty sure it makes me crankier.

Next I stand in line at the TSA checkpoint so I can once again produce photo ID to prove that it’s really me traveling with my extra shirts and underwear. Once again, I’m not sure why anyone else would claim to be me just so they could fly to Boise with my luggage but it seems important to the TSA folks.

 

Of course there is always another line to stand in waiting for my turn to remove my shoes, belt and dignity while passing through the TSA checkpoint. If I wasn’t grumpy before, passing through the TSA checkpoint is sure to do the trick! For Cold War veterans like me, submitting to “screening” at the airport feels a lot like passing through “Checkpoint Charlie” passing from West to East Berlin. Good times.

Did you ever wonder why it cost $27 to buy a beer at the airport? They charge so much because they can! If you’ve got a chance to sell booze to a steady flow of customers who have just been systematically jerked around and pissed off, it just makes sense to jack up the price. It’s the American way.

There’s still another line to stand in once you reach the boarding gate. By the time you’ve survived the lines to check-in, get your ID checked and to assumed the position while being scanned by the TSA mystery machine, everyone is a bit edgy and in a hurry to board the aircraft. Because of my foul mood I usually wait as long as possible before strapping myself in, shoulder to shoulder, with a perfect stranger who is also in a foul mood.

I know this sounds like a rant from a grumpy old guy but, seriously, commercial air travel doesn’t have to be this way. Foreign airlines generally give you more legroom, free drinks (including booze), an actual meal and your bags fly free. Air France, Emirates and KLM have figured out how to operate at a profit while still treating the flying public like customers so I’ve got to believe that our airlines could too, but why should they? They cram more of us in, offer us fewer services, charge us more and we keep buying the tickets.

Maybe youngsters who never enjoyed a pleasant airline experience have different expectations or maybe I really am just a cranky old guy…either way next time I want to visit my sister I think I’ll drive to Boise.