As a writer I enjoy a well-turned phrase and as a slacker I
enjoy a good movie so it stands to reason that I’m a huge fan of great movie
quotes. Since I’m also a wise-ass who likes to be funny who lacks imagination
or originality, I collect great movie lines like Mickey Rooney collected
ex-wives. Rooney, who was married eight times, famously said, “Always get
married in the morning, if it doesn’t work out you haven’t wasted the whole
day.” Not all great quotes come from movies.
As a humorist I’m partial to comedies and funny movie quotes
are my absolute favorites. There are hilarious movies that are so clever that
the make you laugh without many quotable one-liners, while others are full of
quotes that are hilarious even taken out of context…which is my specialty!
I recently made a Facebook post that simply read, “Favorite
quote from the movie Airplane!” and the one-liners started rolling in. The
script of that movie was so full of great lines that 37 years after it came out
it’s still quotable. Case in point:
Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious.”
Doctor: “ I am serious…and don’t call me Shirley.”
Since the first time I heard that line in 1980, every time
someone starts a sentence with the word “surely” I always think, “don’t call me
Shirley” and way too many times I’ve said it out loud. It’s funny if you’re
talking to you’re brother-in-law over a beer but not so funny if you say it to
a judge during a divorce hearing. I just stop myself but it turns out that
smart-assed remarks aren’t acceptable in court….even the classics.
It’s always fun to use the Airplane line, “I haven’t felt
this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film” during a visit to the doctor’s
office, they may look at you funny but it’s usually pretty harmless. On the
other hand it’s almost impossible to find the proper context for quoting the classic
line, “Have you ever seen a grown man naked?” Here’s a hint; Cub Scout
meetings, prison and over beers with your brother-in-law are really bad
choices…so I’m told.
Mel Brooks is a comic genius and if I was forced to stop
using Blazing Saddles quotes I wouldn’t have a hell of a lot to say. I can’t even guess how many times I’ve
welcomed people with a “laurel and hearty handshake” or reminded coworkers that
we had to “protect our phony baloney jobs, gentlemen.” In my generation
“authentic frontier gibberish” was a freshman core requirement in college.
Harrumph!
Shouting, “Baby please, I am not from Havana!” at a table
full of friends just after your date whispers something in your ear will usually
get you a laugh but it’ll almost never get you a second date. It’s twue, it’s
twue.
My kids grew up thinking that it was customary to say, “Somebody’s gotta go back and get a shit-load
of dimes” when you picked up the check after dinner at a restaurant. On his
first semester break home from college my oldest son smacked me on the head and
told me I wasn’t as funny as I thought. Harrumph!
Astonishingly, even 43 years after the movie was released, I
can’t use some of the best Blazing Saddles quotes in this blog. My absolute
favorite line from Blazing Saddles is one I almost never quote because it’s as
inappropriate as it is funny. The movie itself is probably the only time that
line was ever in context and they bleep it out on basic cable…it’s probably the
most racially and culturally inclusive line in the movie and it’s censored for
our own good. I hope that someday
society will catch up to Mel Brooks and Richard Pryor.
I’m running out of room and there are so many great quotes I
haven’t mentioned. I could write a whole post just on one-liners from Arthur. There
are just too many funny lines in that movie to pick a favorite so just watch it
again, you’ll be glad you did because, “It doesn’t suck.” Yup, that line came
from Arthur.
If you’re bored at work try to get through an entire
business meeting using only lines from Young Frankenstein without anyone
noticing. It can be done, if you ask, “What hump?” randomly throughout the day
people will start to worry that they don’t know the answer. Just be really
careful before using the line “What knockers!” …it’s tough to pass that one off
in a power point presentation.
In one of the many books I started writing but never
finished there is a character called Hollywood who speaks only in movie quotes.
It’s a semi-autobiographical piece about whacky door-to door salesmen entitled
“What Knockers!” Do you see what I did there?
Give me your favorite funny movie quote….go!
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