I read yesterday that 2017 is the year of the cock in the
Chinese calendar but it appears that here in the States it’s become the year of
the wanker. To be clear, wanker is the nicest word I could think of that comprehensively
defines the sniveling, whining, childish, self important, gloating, immature
behavior I read about in the newspapers, see on TV and suffer through on social
media almost everyday. Keep in mind that being immature and self-absorbed are
my two most endearing personality traits so I don’t say this lightly.
Since I’m barely clinging to my fifties and only have a few
more months to even remotely claim to be middle aged, it sickens me to see
adult men engaging in this behavior. I never question the behavior of women;
I’ve proven to have no expertise in understanding women so I’ll confine my
comments to American men everywhere.
I feel it’s my responsibility to once again remind younger
men that there is a major difference between being a male over 18 and being a man.
I’ve written about this before but I feel like the men of my generation have
somehow failed to pass on the basics of what it is to be a beer drinking,
bourbon sipping, income producing, gun toting, womanizing, meat-eating American
man. You know, a real man.
If I see one more news segment about some sniveling punk
protesting a potential loss of women’s rights, my head might explode. Put down
your ridiculous picket sign, get a haircut then sit down and let me explain how
a real man deals with women’s rights. First, a real man knows that there is
nothing as fierce as an angry woman with a cause, trust me cupcake, they don’t
need your help.
A man should always help a lady in distress, which is to say
you always stop and offer to help change a flat tire, always put yourself
between a lady and harm’s way and a real man will smoothly get her phone number
afterward. It’s the American way.
When it comes to politics, real men read the issues, make up
their mind and they vote. That’s it. We have no interest in listening to
politicians babble because we’re too busy actually making America work and
occasionally participating in a top secret black ops mission to overthrow a
third world dictator. Real men can deal with the outcome of elections because
we’re not donkeys or elephants, we’re men…American men.
Real men don’t give a rat’s ass what celebrities or athletes
think about anything. Left to real men, pro athletes wouldn’t even have their
names of their jerseys because we don’t care who ran for the first down as much
as we appreciate the pulling guard blindsiding a linebacker. That’s why we watch
football, because speed and violence appeal to us, not to see some millionaire
jerk breakdancing after an eight-yard gain.
While most real men are generally armed, we don’t feel the
need to be because a real man can handle himself. Let’s face it, your average
jihadist is a scared skinny kid, a double leg takedown and about five minutes
of ground and pound will likely change his worldview. It’s best to save your
arsenal for when your daughter starts dating or the inevitable zombie
apocalypse.
Real men understand that Tweets were meant for teenaged
girls to twitter on about whatever it is they twitter on about. That’s why
they’re called “Tweets”. If it were meant for men they would be called
“SITREPS”. That’s real man talk for a situation report and we don’t need 140
characters to send essential messages like “cleared in hot”, “send ammo” or
“she has a hot friend.”
While a real man would never “chillax”, we’d certainly grill
a porterhouse, pour a double Wild Turkey and watch the Super Bowl from our
favorite leather recliner. So young men, put away your picket signs, turn off
your computer and claim your world.
This doesn’t have to be the year of the wanker, let’s seize
it! Real men live in the real world; it’s
our domain…as long as we don’t piss off the real women because those broads are
scary! Real men know their limits!
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