It has been several months since I’ve responded to questions
or comments submitted by my readers so, partly due to popular demand, but
mostly because I couldn’t think of anything else to write, it’s time for
another episode of “Ask El Guapo.”
It always surprises me when people actually ask me questions
about things that matter. I’m just your average, run of the mill award winning
humor columnist; why would anyone care what I think about real life? Just this
week I received a couple of questions regarding last week’s post about
Valentine’s Day; let’s start with those.
Question: Is it possible that in this day and age of
political correctness and gender equality that a semi-articulate mature
American man actually believes that women sit on some kind of pedestal and
judges the Valentines gifts we receive from the men in our lives?
Answer: Absolutely! I can’t speak for semi-articulate mature
American men, but as a very articulate semi-mature American man I certainly do.
Thanks for the question Babe, but let’s go easy on the politically correct
bullshit shall we? Now grab me a cup of coffee while you’re up, OK Sweetheart?
Question: I’ve been married to my lovely wife for just over
eleven years and, after reading your post last week, I heated up a couple of
pot pies and opened a bag of salad for her on Valentine’s Day. I even cut
little hearts in the crust of the pies and bought a box of her favorite wine but
she still put on her flannel pajamas and froze me out at bedtime claiming our
marriage lacked romance. Where did I go wrong?
Answer: It’s really hard to say, my friend, it seems to me
that you really pulled out all of the stops! I guess there’s just no pleasing
some wenches but here’s a thought; if your wife owns flannel pajamas it might
take more than boxed wine to light her romantic fire. I’d try one of those big
bottles with a screw on cap, there’s no sense spoiling her with the expensive corked
stuff, it will only raise her romantic expectations, which already seem pretty
high for a woman who wears flannel to bed.
Other recent posts generated several questions and comments
as well, including:
Question: Is it really appropriate to use the word “douchebag”
while telling a story about your childhood?
Answer: Apparently. Who knew?
Question: Do you really believe that Donald Trump is capable
of opening complex locks and remembering the solutions for up to three years? Is
that really a factoid? What about Cruz, Rubio or Sanders, do you think they can
open complex locks?
Answer: Whoa! You misread that whole thing; I said it was an
example of a factoid was that raccoons were capable of opening complex locks
and remembering the solution for years. There’s no way I think Trump or any
politician is capable of opening a complex lock or remembering anything complex
for a period of years.
Comment: I found your implication that wearing a neatly
trimmed beard, skinny jeans and a man-bun made you a hipster and that was
somehow not cool very offensive.
Response: I am so sorry! If you thought that was an
implication I completely failed to communicate my point; I meant to state that
as an absolute fact. For the record hipsters with neatly trimmed beards,
man-buns and skinny jeans are not cool.
Comment: It’s so typical of you lame-stream media guys to
dismiss the real news that is released on the Internet. You can’t tell me O’Bummer
isn’t setting up FEMA death camps in association with the Islamic Brotherhood
as directed by the Reptilian Royalty of the Bilderberg Group because I read all
about it online.
Response: Wow! How can I argue with that? Just let me point
out that I’m a humor columnist and therefore nothing I say matters enough to
get upset about. Also, you should be aware that this is 2016 and just by using
the phrase “lame-stream media” your argument is rendered invalid; otherwise,
solid stuff… well said.
Comment: Dear Mr. El Guapo, My name is Bailey and I am 8
years old. My grandpa is very smart and he told not be believe stuff just
because I read it in the newspaper and to stay off the internet. He said that
sometimes you are full of poop.
Response: Dear Bailey, Your grandpa is a very wise man and
you should always listen to him.
That pretty much covers the reader feedback I’ve received
over the last month … as far as you know. I omitted the usual threats and the
stalker requests for personal items (It happens, they ask for old socks,
t-shirts, my pin number…things like that). Please feel free to post all
questions and comments below or to my blog page or Twitter feed. I’ll probably
never see them but that’s OK because I just make this stuff up anyway.
El Guapo can be reached at:
Or just use comment below …or just keep it to yourself, I
really don’t care.
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