Morons, Truck Drivers and BS

I’ve never needed to look very hard to find news stories that prove that there’s no shortage of morons in the world. I really appreciate the foolish things people do because it keeps us from taking ourselves too seriously. After all, if we couldn’t laugh at ourselves, life could get to be a real drag.

Lately I’ve been especially amused by moronic crimes and criminals. Few people are criminals because they are smart but every once in a while you come across a criminal act so pointless and ridiculous that it reaches a special class of stupid. I found these examples this week.

Our first story features a carjacker from New Jersey who took a man’s wallet and cell phone at gunpoint before escaping in the victim’s car. He managed to make a clean get away initially by ditching the stolen car and empty wallet then driving away in his own vehicle.

He might have gotten away if he hadn’t insisted on keeping the fancy new iPhone he had stolen. He was miles away minding his own business when the police pulled him over and arrested him. It seems the victim had used the “Find my phone” app to find thief’s location and told the cops right where to find him. Like I said, these folks aren’t criminals because they’re smart.

Meanwhile, police in Alaska managed to solve a series of burglaries by solving a fashion crime. The crime spree had consisted of break-ins netting a total of less than $500.. At each crime scene police found the distinctive tracks of plastic Croc shoes, which was a real mystery to the Alaskan detectives who had never actually seen a pair of Crocs.

When the FBI subsequently showed the locals a picture of the half shoe with no heel and hole in the front an Alaskan cop was heard to say, “I believe a guy would get his butt kicked for wearing a shoe like that.” Let’s face it, nobody but surgeons have worn Crocs since 2007 and nobody with a Y chromosome has probably ever worn them in Alaska. 

The cops also had some surveillance video from one of the restaurants and when they posted it on Facebook they received the name of a possible suspect from a tipster. When the suspect showed up for his police interview sporting a well-worn pair of Crocs they knew they had their man! This is just another in a long list of reasons to never trust a guy who would wear Crocs in Alaska.

Back in New Jersey another genius was arrested for stealing a car and driving it under his suspended license in order to make a court appearance for his previous arrest on drug charges. I don’t think I even need to make a joke here; this clown pretty much did that for me. I hope they put this habitual offender away this time because we don’t need his kind roaming the streets; driving on a suspended license … sheesh!

Sadly, criminals aren’t the only morons involved with the criminal justice system. Recently in Pennsylvania a truck driver was ticketed for driving his rig on a street where big trucks are not allowed. The driver’s GPS mistook Alpine Street in town for the more rural Alpine Road and he was pulled over by local law enforcement.

While nobody want a big rig rolling through their neighborhood streets, the real crime here is that the local judge decided hold the driver in jail for three days to ensure he would show up for his court date. Was the public really safer with this lost truck driver off the streets? Was the traffic ticket fine really worth the cost of two court appearances, booking and incarcerating a man for three days? To quote Bugs Bunny (and you should always quote Bugs Bunny) “What a maroon!”

Finally, police in Minnesota are still looking for the person who broke into a local farm and made off with over $70,000 worth of bull semen. Really, someone actually stole a canister filled with vials of bull semen or BS as it’s known in the industry. Each vial is worth from $300 to $1500 so if you do the math that adds up to … let’s see … carry the two … well, it adds up to a lot of BS!

Just think of the risk this moron was taking pulling this daring heist. Where do you sell a canister full of bull spooge after you steal it? Is there a whole bovine spooge black market out there that I’m unaware of? What if he gets caught and is sent to prison; what is he going to tell the desperate murderers, rapists and lost truck drivers in the exercise yard when they ask him what he’s doing time for? I’m not sure you want to tell convicts that you’re doing time to taking semen that doesn’t belong to you … that can’t end well.

You’ve got to appreciate real life humor; you can’t make this stuff up.