Taking requests

Every once in a while I get requests from readers curious to hear my thoughts on certain topics and issues. I don’t know why they care; I can only assume that these folks are shut-ins, members of Congress or other people with too much time on their hands.

Generally I’m much too self-indulgent to actually care what other people want me to write about but, since my lack of imagination and creativity has left me short of original ideas, I’ve decided it’s time to open the mail bag and see what the readers have in mind.

Bill from Fallon, Nevada writes: I’m sure that someone somewhere might find your Christmas shopping habits and health issues mildly amusing, I’d like to read about some real issues! You claim to have served in the Navy; do you agree that military service should be a mandatory requirement for becoming president? If possible try to answer without using the word “poop.”

Let me start by saying that I was, am and always will be a sailor. During my long and distinguished (fill in your own joke here) career in the US Navy I learned the fine art of drinking beer and telling lies which qualifies me to write this kind of nonsense but scarcely qualifies me to run the country. 

John Adams, John Quincy Adams, and FDR are among the 12 presidents who never served in the military and they did pretty well as president. Jimmy Carter, Andrew Johnson and Richard Nixon all served in the military and Johnson was impeached, Nixon resigned and Carter was … well … Carter.

Abraham Lincoln mustered in to the Illinois militia as a Captain but mustered out within a year as a Private … he pretty much sucked in the military but was a better than average president by most accounts. I figure if the Founding Fathers had thought military service should be a requirement to be president it would be a requirement; then again I’m a humor columnist so this could all be a load of horse poop.

I guess I couldn't answer without using the word "poop." 

From Randy in Montana: What do you think of Obamacare?

Randy I’m a humor columnist, I try not to think of Obamacare at all because nothing I say really matters. The truth is that nothing any columnist says really matters; the difference is that I don’t pretend that it does.

A reader going by the online screen name of “Big Head Ed” writes: We’d love to hear some of your sea stories, particularly any man crushes involving tall Marines.

Sure, Big Head, I love telling sea stories! My buddy Jeff and I found a couple of Australian ladies who thought American accents were sexy. Naturally mine was a drop dead knockout and Jeff’s had a huge … intellect. Come to think of it, this may be a story for another time and another forum. As for tall Marines, I can’t say for sure because I don’t know much about these things, but I’m pretty sure most Marines have man crushes on sailors. That’s pretty much common knowledge, right?

From Sandra in Florida: Do you actually get paid for writing this gibberish? If so, where do you deposit it and why don’t I know about it?

Easy Sweetheart … I mean thank you for your question, interested reader named Sandra! Yes, I get paid for writing these witty little stories but not nearly as much as you might think! I get paid just enough to save up for a nice Valentine’s Day gift for my lovely and talented wife.

By far the most frequent request I get is to comment on satirists like Charlie Hebdo being attacked by the people they lampoon. The truth is I make fun of myself most of the time but I do laugh at people and institutions from time to time, but I’m not afraid. I’ve picked on Al Qeada, ISIS, the Illuminati and Rush Limbaugh; pretty much the who’s who of reckless irresponsible cowardly blowhards who’re too stupid and narrow mined to understand the implication of their actions.

Intimacy and the IRS scare the hell out of me but I’m not afraid of ISIS wimps in masks (they’re like the Mexican wrestlers of terrorists in those silly masks), partially because I’m semi-fearless … but mostly because my readership is so small that there's virtually no chance they's waste a perfectly good suicide bomber on me. Even if they did I'm guessing my readership would go way up; so it's a win - win!

If I didn’t get to your request this time don’t worry, I get writer’s block on a regular basis so I’ll get to it soon. Please send me your comments, questions or criticisms; I appreciate your inputs and, let’s face it, I need all the help I can get!