It’s been way too long since I’ve taken an in depth look
into the world of conspiracy theories. I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist myself
but my wife never met a conspiracy theory she didn’t like and keeps a close eye
on all of them from her zombie apocalypse-proof bunker atop the “grassy knoll”
so I know more about conspiracy theories than I ever wanted to … way more.
What I’ve discovered is that all conspiracy theories are
based on a mysterious group called “They.” “They” control everything and we are
essentially helpless against them. Sometimes “they” are aliens, often “they”
are the government or an elite group of ultra-rich and powerful families but “they”
are almost always tangled up with the Freemasons or the Illuminati.
All good conspiracy theories involve either aliens,
Freemasons or the Illuminati; the best conspiracy theories involve evil alien
Freemasons working undercover in the Illuminati. There is some deep Internet lore
that supports the theory that LBJ was an alien Freemason who used illuminati
hit men to assassinate JFK; it makes as much sense as the Warren Commission
Report.
Another great conspiracy theory involves the British royal
family being shape-shifting Reptilian aliens who derive their power from a huge
rock that is buried under the throne in Buckingham palace.
According to several conspiracy websites young Prince George
the baby born to Prince William and his bride Kate isn’t really their child. They
have dozens of pictures that they claim prove that her pregnancy was faked and
they were presented with a Reptilian infant after a ritualistic birth,
presumably on or near the magic rock.
While I admit that at least three of my four kids looked
kind of like lizards immediately after birth and they all ate bugs from time to
time, I never suspected them to be shape-shifting aliens. Then again we don’t
have a magic rock so who can really say for sure?
Conspiracy theorists know that the history we were taught in
school is pure propaganda that “they” want us to believe. Theorists maintain that history is simply
misdirection to keep us from discovering the real truth that might allow us to
figure out who “they” really are and what “they” are up to.
Anyone who’s ever watched that History Channel guy with the
weird hair knows that the pyramids could only have been built by ancient aliens
using advanced anti-gravity technology. It’s ridiculous to believe that slaves
rolled those giant megalithic rocks on logs as we were taught in school.
We’ve all seen pictures of the pyramids, there aren’t any
trees or boulders in those pictures so where did they get the rocks and logs?
The Egyptians would’ve had to clear cut an entire forest and quarry every bit
of rock for miles to build the pyramids that way. Shoot, there wouldn’t be
anything left but sand anywhere nears those pyramids when they got done! Wait a
minute …
My favorite American conspiracy theory has got to be the
legend of the Denver International Airport (DIA). DIA features the perfect
storm of conspiracy theories; aliens, Freemasons, the Illuminati, the apocalypse
and the New World Order all mixed with a healthy dose of legal marijuana.
There is a statue of an apocalyptic warhorse with shining
eyes at the entrance to DIA and another of an Anubis, the Egyptian God of the Dead.
What statues could be more appropriate for an airport than a sign of the apocalypse
and a God of the Dead?
When looked at from above, the runway configuration
resembles a swastika or an alien symbol (whichever theory suits your fancy). Underground
there are miles of tunnels with all manner of sinister conspiracy potential;
one theory maintains that the tunnels are a concentration camp for people who
have discovered the truth about the aliens who built them. Of course it is…
There’s a very creepy and cryptic mural in the terminal
depicting a giant soldier wearing a gas mask with a gun in one hand and a sword
in the other impaling the dove of peace. There are all kinds of other
horrifying images to entertain you between flights and there’s a Freemason
capstone with the words New World Airport Commission engraved on it. It’s like
Disneyland for conspiracy theorists!
I think that the designers of DIA were toking a little of that
Rocky Mountain High before it was legal and just put that stuff there just to
mess with the passengers who get stranded there during those Denver snowstorms.
My wife says it’s the entrance to the giant bunker complex
where “they” will fly into to seek shelter while the rest of us are
exterminated by aliens, a killer comet or maybe a polar shift. Either way we’ll
be safe in her bunker on the grassy knoll!
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