With just under a
week to go until Christmas most reasonable people have probably completed most
of their Christmas shopping. Of course I can only speculate what reasonable
people do but I can tell you for sure that, as a world class procrastinator, I
fully intend finish my Christmas shopping in just under a week … give or take.
I definitely intend to get started this weekend … probably.
I’m pretty sure the
main reason I always put off my Christmas shopping until the last minute is
because I’m the world’s worst gift giver. Seriously, I stink a picking out good
or even appropriate gifts. I’m probably the only person who ever disappointed a
two year old at Christmas time; how was I supposed to know that a singing bass
would terrify a toddler? I thought it was pretty cool but my grandson was
traumatized and may never be able to go fishing or enjoy a fish taco.
After years of
disappointing my family and friends with gag gifts that weren’t funny or
practical presents they couldn’t use or even thoughtful gifts that turned out
to be thoughtless (I really thought she wanted a gym membership after gaining
all that baby weight), I finally learned to ask for a wish list from everyone.
Christmas wish lists
are awesome for insensitive unimaginative jerks like me. While you’ll almost
certainly never thrill anyone by giving them what they asked for, you are
guaranteed to never make them cry when they open it; which might happen if a
certain woman is expecting jewelry and opens a box filled with a year’s supply
of vacuum cleaner bags. A wish list takes the thought out of thoughtful which is
very helpful to those of us with a Y chromosome.
I think everyone
should make a Christmas wish list to relieve their friends and family of the
burden of actually paying attention to conversations that might contain hints,
innuendo or outright statements of gifts that appeal to you. Remember, the holiday
season is also football season so chances are we aren’t listening anyway and
still have no idea what you want for Christmas.
I make a list every
year because I want to spare my family and friends the crushing despair (theirs
or mine) of giving me a gift I really don’t want. I don’t do it because I’m
selfish or materialistic; I do it because I know that the best part of
Christmas is the joy of giving and I want to optimize that experience for my
family, friends and even my loyal readers who are moved by the holiday spirit (
drop me a comment and I’ll provide a shipping address; it’s not too late!!)
A good Christmas list
should contain two sections; things you really want (for your loved ones who
really want to experience the joy of giving) and things you’ll settle for (for
the rest of us.) Strictly as a public service I’ll share a condensed version of
my wish list; I have limited space here so I omitted items 3 through 148 from
the things I really want.
Atop my wish list
this year is an F-5 fighter jet. You can’t buy a fully automatic M-16 but, surprisingly,
it is perfectly legal to own and fly your own F-5 and I want one. I don’t know
how to fly an F-5 but I’ve known hundreds of fighter pilots and, trust me if
they do it, it can’t be that hard. I want a fighter jet because I think it
would be very cool to establish air superiority over our subdivision then grow
our lawn out to a lush four inches in open defiance of the home owners
association! How do you like me now!?
Next on my list is a
1967 GTO convertible because I think it's a little bit faster than an F-5 and, besides, how cool would it be to cruise up to your new
fighter jet in one of those babies.
My list of things I
would settle for includes the 40th Anniversary edition DVD of Young
Frankenstein and a crayon drawing of a fighter jet or a GTO convertible from
any of my grandkids, because you can never have enough good refrigerator art!
The act of giving a
gift is much like the act of making love; the anticipation is too often better
than what you actually get and its poor form to complain about either.
Remember, practice safe gift giving; always use a list!
I’ve got to go
shopping and find a book or movie called “A man who listens,” I’ve never heard
of it but it’s on the top of on my wife wish list again this year. I wonder …
Merry Christmas
everyone!
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