King for a day

I gave up my lifelong ambition for wealth, power and world domination a few years ago … right after I realized that wielding global influence required working weekends and didn’t come with a dental plan. Besides, I lack the drive, talent or family connections to get rich and I have too much self-respect to become a politician so there wasn’t much chance I was ever going to become the grand poo-bah anyway.

It’s kind of a shame though, just because I lack ambition does not mean I lack ideas. I’d make a lot of changes if I could be in charge for just one day. I don’t need much time, there are so many things that are obviously wrong with the world that I could get most of it fixed and still have time for Fox News to criticize the way I did it in prime time.

If I was king for a day anyone caught wearing their pants below their waist would immediately be inducted into the Marine Corps. No questions asked, no discussions or trips home to pack because they will be issued everything they need (including pants) in boot camp where their Drill Instructor will ensure they are taught how to wear them properly.

Pharmaceutical commercials would be outlawed because they are ridiculous. Unless you are a serious hypochondriac, prescription medication is not a consumer choice. Even if it was, why would anyone take anything that could cause blindness, stroke, heart failure, anal leakage and, on rare occasion, sudden death … can Restless Leg Syndrome really be that bad?

In my world people who “conversate” or can’t tell the difference between, there, they’re or their, mistake were for we’re, board for bored or then or than would be summarily executed. OK maybe capital punishment is a bit extreme for poor grammar but they would feel my wrath for misusing this King’s English! I’m thinking they should be strapped to chairs and forced to eat cottage cheese while listening to Joe Biden yodel. Maybe that’s too cruel; let’s stick to execution!

Oh, and while I’m thinking about it, to produce or distribute or possess cottage cheese with intent to sell it would be a felony. Consuming it would a misdemeanor because eating cottage cheese is punishment enough.

In my monarchy it would be forbidden for university basketball coaches to get paid more than the governor of their state. Brain surgeons would make more money than rappers because it’s more difficult to repair a brain than it is to rot one and teachers would make more than either of them because training someone to use their brain is quickly becoming a lost art.

As your king I would require that announcers, reality TV celebrities and all other miscellaneous talking heads get paid minimum wage. It defies logic that a no talent hack like Ryan Freakin’ Seacrest is paid millions of dollars for telling you what you’re about to see or hear while the skilled mechanic who can fix the transmission in my truck is not.

By royal proclamation anyone caught taking a cellphone to the beach, a ballgame, a bar, restaurant or a movie will have their phones confiscated for their own good. If you take your phone with you everywhere you’re an addict and you need help. Trust me, no one wants to see a picture of your dinner … really.

On my day as king I would make common sense the law of the land. Don’t eat anything that wasn’t food 100 years ago; if Mother Nature didn’t put it on the food chain don’t eat it! Don’t take a pill to have sex; erectile dysfunction didn’t exist until someone figured out how to make money from it. Avoid angry bears. Brush your teeth or pop a breath mint from time to time because if we don’t want to see a picture of your dinner, we sure as heck don’t want to smell it either.

My final act as king for a day would be to strictly regulate the wearing of neckties for men and stiletto heels for women. These would be health code regulations because tying a knot around your neck or waking with your heel six inches above your toes cannot be good for you. Only lawyers, politicians and salesmen would be allowed to wear ties so we can know whom to avoid without actually having to speak to them. Desperate gold-digging women would be encouraged to wear stiletto heels because, by doing so, they’d be earning every penny they ever made! In fact, gold-diggers would be allowed to wear neckties with their stilettos; if you can make that look good, the king will allow it!

It’s almost time to abdicate my throne so I’m going to turn on the football game and send the serving wench for a turkey leg and some ale …. its good to be king!