I'm Back!

I’m back! For those who didn’t notice my absence, I haven’t written any new material for the last couple of months because I’ve been working … stop laughing … it’s true! 

For those who did notice that I haven’t been writing lately I’d just like to say, “Thanks Mom!”

Seriously, I took a leave of absence from writing because I’ve been going through some significant life changes lately that made it difficult to write semi-humorous material on a regular basis and I refuse to compromise the standard of mediocrity that I’ve worked so hard to maintain over all these years.

It was pretty easy to point out the ironies of life and the moronic behavior of others from the comfort of my recliner when I was an underemployed slacker. Let’s face it; things are pretty damned amusing when you can get away with listing your occupation as “semi-pro smart ass.”

As my regular reader knows (yes, since my marriage went south I’m down to one regular reader…. thanks again Mom), karma visited me over the last year or so pretty much in the same way Hurricane Katrina visited New Orleans ... with a noticeable impact.

I went from being a happily underachieving chili cheeseburger eating, microbrew swilling, mountain bike riding, desert dwelling long haired leaping gnome to being a middle-aged, eating the lunch special at Subway, living in my friend’s spare bedroom, working in an office, chasing deadlines and wondering what the hell just happened kind of guy … all in less than a full hockey season.

Freakin’ karma!

Let me say that better; “going through significant life changes” sounds like something Dr. Phil might tell some whiny loser to make him feel better about being a middle aged guy living in a friend’s spare room because he made a mess of his life … wait a minute … never mind!

I’m not going through life changes so much as I’m changing my life. The good news is that it turns out that being an irreverent wiseass is a personality trait and not a lifestyle so El Guapo is alive and well … now let me tell you about the changes in my life from my perspective.

Fair warning; what you are about to read is neither fair, balanced, politically correct, probably not even factually correct and may be offensive to some readers … but it might be funny.

First, let’s get this out on the table for those who have not surmised it from me hinting around; I am getting a divorce. My bride of 27 years decided that I was a lost cause and to quote Dudley Moore, “Most of you know me … can you blame her?”

In the end my stunning good looks and rapier wit were not enough to compensate for my total lack of emotional maturity, sincerity or a steady job. Who knew those things were important?

Next, after years of being a humor columnist and a consultant (which is to say I managed to get paid for “baffling them with my bullshit”) I had to get a real job because, while it was possible for get by on my wit and reputation as a married guy with a tolerant wife … not so much as a divorced guy with spouse support payments!

The only company I could find who was looking for a mediocre writer with an exaggerated reputation for maintaining fighter jets was located in Pensacola, FL so I moved. I reluctantly left my home and roots in the Pacific Time Zone and headed for a place where Monday Night Football doesn’t even start until 8PM …it’s barbaric!

It’s been difficult but I’ve adjusted to the nearly perfect climate, white sand beaches and warm water of the Gulf Coast … but the structure of a real job is still kicking my butt! They actually expect me to show up regularly and meet deadlines in exchange for getting paid. How can I be expected to be almost clever in a hostile work environment like that?

A while back I realized that I’d been looking at it all wrong; instead of being of being dumped, displaced and overworked; I’m employed, semi-free and living in paradise … life is pretty good!

So I unpacked my recliner and popped open a microbrew and now ... I’m back!