Changing times and changing crimes

History shows us that tough times often call for tough measures. I occurs to me that rough times in the USA are often reflected in our criminals. Think about it; crimes, like times, change.

When, for reasons that evade me, our ancestors decided to make selling and serving booze a crime during Prohibition, bootleggers thrived illegally selling liquor. After we came to our collective senses and reopened the bars, moonshiners became just another boring reality show.

Similarly, during the 1970’s when an outbreak of disco fever created a severe shortage of sanity and good taste throughout the country, cocaine and polyester dealers took advantage of our national impaired judgment.

If you think I’m being unfair by lumping the 1970’s fashion designers in with drug dealers, just take a look at my high school yearbook or watch a Starsky and Hutch rerun. A denim colored leisure suit was a crime, man…seriously.

In the 1980’s President Reagan and the Oak Ridge Boys cured us of disco fever, encouraged the youth of America to buy a suit and get an MBA. Don’t think that was a crime? Wait.

A few years later, President Clinton taught that same generation of suited MBA’s that honor was optional and, if you’re rich and powerful enough, you’re not necessarily held accountable for your actions. That may not seem overtly criminal, but again…wait.

By the turn of the century most of the tie-wearing Reagan era MBA’s had wormed their way into Wall Street and were, to paraphrase Mel Brooks, looking for ways to protect their phony baloney jobs. That’s when all Hell broke loose.

The short version of what’s happened next is that, thanks to these well-dressed scumbags, our economy is so bad that if guys in baggy pants and fat women in tights were money, we’d still be broke. I’m no expert but I think the term economists use to describe our current economic situation is “totally screwed.”

So what has become the crime du jour in these tough economic times? Again, I’m no expert but I think criminologist call it “stealing shit.” Not unlike the former Soviet Union after they had spent a decade fighting in Afghanistan, a healthy black market has emerged in the US. Most of us know it as eBay.

Take for example a recent crime wave in Texas where thieves have been stealing tailgates off pick-up trucks…really. Recently a lady went online to find a new tailgate after hers had been taken by thieves. She was thrilled when she found one that was a perfect match but less than thrilled when after paying $350 she discovered it was her stolen tailgate!

In Chicago, burglars overcame a high tech security system and made off with over $230,000 worth of human hair. Chances are if you bought your weave on eBay or Craigslist, it came from Chicago. I don’t know what’s more bizarre, that a salon thought that their collection of hair was so valuable that they needed a high tech security system or that they were right.

I’m just getting started! Just before the Super Bowl some creeps used a big truck to steal $65,000 worth of frozen chicken wings because…well…because it takes a big truck to steal $65,000 worth of chicken wings and because apparently, just before the Super Bowl, people will actually buy chicken wings from some guys in a truck.

The economy is so bad that we’re willing to buy almost anything from the online black market. Need a bale of hay from your horse, some genuine maple syrup for your pancakes or maybe some paving stones for your driveway; no problem, all of those are regularly stolen and available on the black market.

In Colorado a mortuary worker got arrested for trying to sell a bag full of gold teeth to a local pawnshop. What a moron; I buy all my golden incisors on eBay then resell them on Craigslist when the price of gold goes up. Geez, what a loser!

Speaking of gold, the new street currency on the black market is Tide detergent, today’s “liquid gold.” Recently police busted a nail salon that was actually a front for an international Tide fencing operation. They were selling to individuals and stores around the world; using money to launder Tide…so to speak.

We survived Prohibition and we’ll probably survive this too. Until then, we can always go online and buy a bottle of stolen Scotch and some bootlegged music to get us through; but don’t download disco, that would just be wrong.