Fact or Fiction?

It’s the end of January and that means two things, the Pro Bowl is on this weekend and it’s time for another one of my fact or fiction columns. I know, both are a sorry excuse for entertainment, but bear with me; it only happens once a year.

Let’s get started!

It’s a fact that I once took a date to see the Muppet movie at a dollar theater then wondered why she never returned my calls. It’s fiction that women appreciate a childlike quality in potential lovers. Who knew?

It’s against the law to carry an ice cream cone in you pocket in Kentucky. That’s both a fact and a scary trend toward ice cream related legislation that needs to be nipped in the bud. Ice cream is far too important to allow politicians to tamper with it.

President Obama never wears an American flag lapel pin. Despite all of those stupid emails I’ve received making that claim, that’s pure fiction. The fact is that he was wearing one during the State of the Union address the other night and if we’re casting our votes based on how candidates accessorize their wardrobe; we’re in a world of hurt.

It’s a fact that in 1867 Lucy Taylor became the first woman to be certified as a dentist in the United States and then in 1869 Arabella Mansfield became the first American woman to become a lawyer. It’s also a fact that prior to those events American working women were generally teachers, nurses or prostitutes and too highly respected to be associated with lawyers or dentists.

There is no truth to the rumor that my wife left me. It’s true that she packed up most of her stuff and moved to another continent but she didn’t leave me…I mean she’s coming back…OK what have you heard?

It’s a little known fact that the microwave was invented after a researcher noticed that a chocolate bar in his pocket melted when he walked past a radar tube. I cannot verify that the off color rumor about his "toasted nuts" is fact or fiction. It could have happened.

It is true that the original and full name of the city of Los Angeles is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula.” After minutes of exhaustive research I can tell you that there is no truth to the rumor that that translates to “LA, the gridlocked city of angels and spray painting gangsters.”

Fact: The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome where the only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified is to poke someone's eye out.

Fiction: Those are the same rules established for the Republican Presidential debates.

Fact: Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

Fiction: Today when people get a pink slip from a job they busted their butts at for years, they might be forced set their own house on fire to avoid foreclosure from the blood-sucking bank! I'm sure that's fiction; I don’t have any specific evidence that would hold up in court to indicate that ever happened…let’s move on.

Fact: Cigarette manufacturers are required to print health warnings on the side of each and every package of smokes they sell and that makes sense, I guess; still nobody can explain to me why there is an expiration date printed on containers of sour cream. What happens after that date?

Fact: The two lines that connect your top lip to the bottom of your nose are known as the philtrum.

Fiction: Boys can be taught not to use their sleeve to wipe their philtrum.

Fact: There is a new television show airing soon fearuring the has-been musical group Vanilla Ice.

Fiction: Anyone other than Vanilla Ice and members of their immediate families will watch that show.

I could do this all night; I know a lot of trivial useless stuff and even more total misinformation (I watch a lot of cable news) but you’ve suffered enough for this year. Sorry, there’s nothing I can do about the Pro Bowl, it’s still going to be on this weekend.